


I am a Soldier

by Deep_Redd



Category: Metal Gear, Metal Gear Solid
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-08
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-09-23 00:03:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 31,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9630743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deep_Redd/pseuds/Deep_Redd
Summary: We all know the story behind the legendary Solid Snake, but nobody really knows the story behind the heroine in Metal Gear Solid. Meryl Silverburgh wanted to be a soldier... But did she achieve her goal?(Meryl recounts her time at Shadow Moses)





	1. Enter the Rat

**Author's Note:**

> So this is an idea that's been bouncing around my head for a while... Ever since I was a young girl I suppose :D I always wanted to see Metal Gear Solid from Meryl's perspective, so I plucked up the courage to start typing. I hope it's as good as I hope it to be.

The rats were back. I could hear them quite clearly, clambering through the rusty metal air vents above my head. I ignored them, pushing myself up from my lying down position and up as far as my knees. I held it for a second, then fell back, repeating this as I counted.

“Ninety-nine…”

Sweat was beading on my head as I pushed to a hundred, falling back onto the thin, hard mattress and allowed myself the slight pause I took.

 _I’ve got to keep pushing_.

Sighing, I pushed upwards again, touching both of my elbows to my knees one by one before falling backwards. The sheets were thin and filthy, but that was nothing that I could help. Nor could I help the fact that the walls were a mustard yellow colour, stained with faeces and probably piss too. It stank. The toilet right beside my head kept me from imagining that I was at home, even if I closed my eyes.

I focused my eyes on the metal door at the end of the room. The guard would often stare at me through the small hole in it, his eyes revealing his disgusting leer, and I would do all that I could not to vomit.

The metal above me groaned with discomfort, before the thumping sounds and scratched stopped completely. Perhaps the rats were coming together for warmth? That would explain the groaning of the thin metal. I pushed on, hoping that it wouldn’t rain vermin any time soon.

My name is Meryl Silverburgh. And I am a soldier.

I was recruited along with several others in my regiment to undertake this important mission here, in Alaska. The details had been short, brief. But I had seen it as a golden opportunity.

That was when the terrorists arrived. They changed everything. I had only just been dropped off when my regiment was approached by a man with long, blonde hair and an evil smile. He had spoken to us in a British accent, asking for us to join the revolution against the government.

I refused. There was no way I’d go against my country, my orders. So they locked me up in this cell.

I needed to find a way out. I needed to escape.

They had the DARPA Chief, and the ArmsTech President. I didn’t know where they hid Baker, but I knew he wasn’t nearby. Beside me, Donald Anderson paced in his cell and mumbled to himself about codes and shit. I paid him no attention. Not for any bad reason, I would go mad if I tried to make sense of what he was saying.

The metal above me groaned again, and the weight shifted from above my cell to the DARPA Chief’s cell next door. There was a metal ‘clang’ as the grate in the ventilation shaft dropped on Anderson and probably allowed several rats to drop on him too.

I scoffed at the thought, to the point where I nearly started to laugh. But then a thought hit me; _maybe when the guard ran to help him, I could escape_? I stopped for a moment, sit-ups forgotten, as I planned my escape. _He’d need to open my door too. And when he does, I can knee him in the groin. Guys are vulnerable there. Or I could break his nose. I did that once, in training._

I shrugged and started pushing again, my arms feeling as heavy as weights as I continued to punish them. It was only a short time later when I heard his voice.

“…Anderson, right?”

I stopped, a cold chill running down my spine. Looking toward the door and hoping to see the guard, my heart dropped as I realised he wasn’t watching me. _It wasn’t him who had spoken._ I listened again, my ears straining to hear that voice once more.

A faint sound, coming from the air vent. Was… Was there someone in the cell next to me, with the Chief? 

My exercise forgotten, I threw myself against the wall to press an ear against its filthy paint and listened breathlessly for more.

“Do the terrorists really have the ability to launch a nuke?”

It was faint, but I heard it. _There was someone in there with him._ I waited patiently for him to speak again. I knew this was an intruder, this man wasn’t supposed to be here. His deep, grisly voice was one I’d never heard here before.

“What you’re about to hear is classified information.” That was Anderson, in his own deep voice. I heard his footsteps approach my wall then stop; perhaps he turned around to face the intruder? “We were conducting exercises with a new type of experimental weapon. A weapon that will change the world.”

“What?” Grisly voice didn’t seem to know what was going on here. I stood from the wall, stretching my legs as I paced around a bit before returning to the conversation.

“…weapon that would be able to launch a nuclear attack from anywhere on the face of the earth. A nuclear equipped walking battle tank.” Anderson was talking again. I’d obviously missed a few minutes of monologue, but that didn’t really matter. I knew exactly what was going on here.

The guard and I were used to the Chief talking to himself, but this time it was different. There was someone conversing with him. The guard seemed to notice this and approached his cell door, banging on it and telling him to shut up. I waited patiently for the intruder to be found, but there was no gunfire. No exclamation. Nothing.

Confusion clouded my thoughts.

The grisly voice swamped my mind and I paused, listening. “But I thought that all nuclear weapons came equipped with safety measures. Some kind of detonation code that you have to input.” An image of a man in his late thirties came to mind, an image I was no stranger to. Solid Snake.

The image of the legend in my mind was a figment of my imagination. My uncle had told me plenty of stories as a child about Snake, and I found myself wondering if this is how he would sound. If this grisly voice, so deep but curious, would fit my idea of a living legend.

I needed to focus.

“Oh, you mean PAL. Yes of course, there is a PAL. It’s set up so that you need to input two different passwords in order to launch the device.” As if this man would know what a PAL was. I didn’t even know what that meant. Anderson was treating this guy as a professional, which he clearly was not. His voice muffled and I missed some dialogue, but I caught the tail-end of the conversation. “But there is a way to stop the launch. The card keys. They were designed by ArmsTech, the system developers, as a system override. Even without the passwords, you can insert the keys and engage the safety lock.”

“And if I do that?” Ol’ grisly sounded confident in himself. I couldn’t help but scoff.

Donald Anderson sounded hopeful as he replied. “Yes. You can stop the launch.”

I frowned, my arm draped over my knee as I knelt on the bed to listen to the wall. “That card key…” Baker had given me something before I was taken away. _Was that it? Was it important?_ I pushed myself away from the wall and paced around the small cell. _Can I do this myself? Could I escape this cell and disarm the weapon?_

My arms folded of their own accord. I needed to get out of there. And fast.

There was a sudden exclamation of pain from the cell next to me, and I recognised the victim as Anderson. “What’s that?” I moved back over to the wall, hearing more anguished sounds from within. I ran to the door and threw my fists at it, fear coursing through my veins as cold as ice. “Hey! What happened?” My fists continued to make contact with the door, the noises I was making adding to the pained shouts from the Chief’s cell.

Then there was silence.

I peered out through the small opening in my door to find the guard, but he was nowhere to be seen. From the DARPA Chief’s cell, I heard a confused sigh, then the two words that terrified me;

“Huh, dead.”

 

* * *

 

I pressed myself up against the wall beside the door, hiding myself from view. I had to get out of there before grisly voice came for me. No doubt he knew I was here too. He’d known exactly when and where to find Anderson, so he had to know about me.

And I wasn’t sticking around to meet him.

The guard returned from the toilet, I could hear his footsteps. He approached my door and my heart thudded slowly in my throat.  There was a bemused scoff and the door opened. He walked inside, looking toward the bed. I’d hidden under there once.

My arms caught around his neck and squeezed, cutting off his air. He gave a small yelp of surprise, before flailing in vain in my grip. I felt it the moment he lost consciousness; his flailing slowed and his noises stopped; his body weight doubled and I dragged him carelessly out into the cell block.

I had no time to lose. Maybe I could apprehend the intruder. I was good at that.

The uniform the guard was wearing looked about my size, so I stripped him bare and clothed myself, covering my vest and jeans with the khaki threads. The FAMAS felt heavy in my hands as I picked it up, weighing it and sighing. It would have to do. The mask was the last thing I donned, fixing it over my hair carefully. It was obviously not designed with long hair in mind.

Turning quickly, I moved to the door to the Chief’s cell and unlocked the door, waiting for _him_ to exit. I had my finger on the trigger, ready to hold him up. He took a moment to venture out of the cell, but when he did, the naked guard was the first thing he saw. Perfect.

“Don’t move!” The end of my FAMAS was pointed directly to his temple, and I almost smiled with pride at myself. He raised his hands as I looked into the cell, and saw Anderson’s lifeless body lying face-down on the floor. “So, you killed the Chief? You bastard!”

He sighed and turned around to face me, his expression curious. His eyes. Holy shit, his eyes were _blue_. But he looked a lot like… “Liquid?” I paused, shaking my head when I realised he was not the rebel leader. “No, you’re not…” My hands started to shake. This was a living, breathing person. There was a big difference between knocking a guy unconscious, and killing him with a metal bullet. 

“Is this the first time you’ve ever pointed a gun at a person?” Grisly voice actually sounded curious. He wasn’t worried at all. “Your hands are shaking.” I gasped quietly at his nonchalant comment. A SOCOM suddenly appeared in his hands as he pointed it at me, his hands as calm as his voice. “Can you shoot me rookie?”

I tensed, suddenly very aware of the fact that he could kill me at any moment. “Careful. I’m no rookie.” I was trying so hard to sound intimidating, and I thought I’d done it.

But his blue eyes narrowed. “Liar.” I frowned as he continued his assessment of my character. “That nervous glance, that scared look in your eyes; they’re rookie’s eyes if I ever saw them. You’ve never shot a person, am I right?”

I wanted to be annoyed with his assessment, to show him that I was a soldier that could kill him on sight. But his curiosity was confusing me and clouding my judgement. He needed to stop talking. _Now_. “You talk too much.” I readjusted the FAMAS as I took aim again, more seriously this time.

He wasn’t fazed, not even in the slightest. “You haven’t even taken the safety off, rookie.”

My voice raised, my arms raising my weapon as I did. “I told you, I’m no rookie!” My breathing was becoming shallower; I was on the verge of hyperventilating. This had never happened to me before. I needed to calm down.

His eyes softened, realisation hitting him like a freight train. “You’re not one of them, are you?”

_No I’m not._

The words were on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t utter them. That would be giving in. That would be letting them win. Remembering the door to the cell block, I looked over my shoulder to the only exit and commanded him to open it. When he didn’t reply, or make a move to open it, I worried that he perhaps didn’t have the means to escape. “You’ve got a card, don’t you?” 

His head tilted with surprise. “Why?”

I almost hit him with the butt of the FAMAS I was holding. “So we can get the hell out of here!” I suppose I have a habit of getting a bit too loud at times, when I’m stressed, which is why I sounded a little hysterical here. But as soon as the words left my mouth, the door opened and guards in riot gear piled inside. 

Grisly voice dropping into a crouched attack position, a new expression crossing his features. “Looks like we’ll be a little delayed.” The guards pointed their weapons at the both of us, seemingly uncertain as to who they should shoot first. The intruder beside me growled out in frustration, “What are you doing? Don’t think, just shoot!”, before shooting. His bullet hit one of the soldiers in the head, the blood bursting out of his cranium and covering the wall behind him, before the lifeless body fell to the floor in a crumpled heap.

I stared. This man dodged several bullets as he shot another guard, his SOCOM as light as a feather in his grasp. My arms still held the FAMAS outright, but I had no intention of shooting. Blood poured from the bullet wound in the chest of another fallen soldier and I stared.

Footsteps. I could hear footsteps in the corridor. More of them were coming.

Grisly voice stepped into my line of vision and searched the fallen soldiers, taking magazines from their supplies. Then he turned to face me. “What are you doing? Shoot!”

 I scowled. How dare he talk to me like that? “Don’t talk to me like a rookie!”

“I’m telling you, shoot!” Why did he care if I helped or not? Or… Was he trying to help me?

I screamed a little as I held down the trigger and gunned down the three soldiers that entered the room after that. Even after they had all fallen, staining the floor crimson as they did, I kept my finger held down, the bullets forcing themselves into the wall of the corridor. When the magazine ran empty, I changed it nonchalantly, hopefully showing grisly that I knew what I was doing. Kinda.

More soldiers ran in. I let grisly shoot two of them while I shot the last one. That’s when the grenades flew into the room, and we backed up, into the opposite corner. They were short range but they still managed to scare the shit out of me. I fell back against the wall, my arms burning from the small blast.

We killed six more men between the two of us, before they finally stopped coming. I walked carefully to the doorway, peering out into the corridor cautiously before inclining my head and addressing grisly voice. “Thanks for the help.” I wasn’t scared anymore. I wasn’t afraid to shoot my gun.  Grisly telling me to shoot had helped me through my nerves.

And then I took off, running for the elevator with my life in my hands. The intruder behind me followed as far as the doorway and shouted after me. “Wait!” A pause. “Who are you?”

He was curious. Curious grisly. I scoffed, reaching the elevator and pressing the button to the upper level. Grisly stepped forward, as though to follow me.

A coldness flooded my body, stretching from my heart to my toes. I stilled, hands on the FAMAS and seemed to watch in slow motion as the man in front of me began to jog toward me. I held up the FAMAS with steady hands and started shooting, not bothering to aim or check the ammo.

_But I was shooting at the man who had just saved my life._

Said man crouched into his primal attack crouch and dodged the rain of bullets coming toward him, running to the end of the hall to duck behind the corner. I kept shooting until the magazine ran empty, then let my gun slide from my right hand. And then I did something very unlike me; it was like a fist pump, but without the pump. I held that pose until the doors closed and the elevator began its slow ascent to the upper levels.

The coldness left my body and I panicked, the feeling of not being in control of my own body causing my alarm. But there was something else that had bothered me too.

That man had stared at me in total confusion.


	2. Misinterpretations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got kudos on the first chapter! Thank you both so much!   
> I'm working on this story quite a bit now, the response to the first chapter has motivated me to keep going. I also want to see where we go from here, how Meryl develops as a character etc etc. This is a bit of a learning curve for me, but i love it!   
> Thank you again!! x

I could barely breathe.

I leaned against the wall of the elevator, the shudder of the mechanism making its journey upwards making me feel nauseous. The coppery smell of blood filled my nose again and I held my breath for a moment, refusing to allow myself the short relief of vomiting.

I realised with a start that the mask was what stank of blood. I pulled it off quickly, taking in deep breaths of air. “Pull yourself together.” I squeezed my eyes shut, breathing deeply. My hands had started to shake again, and I dropped the FAMAS onto the floor.

No sooner had I dropped the gun did the elevator shudder to a halt. I donned the mask again, biting my tongue to stop myself from gagging from the stench. The FAMAS was just nestled into my hands again as the doors slid open, and I held my breath as a terrorist walked by.

I was in the hangar. The soldier nodded to me as he walked by, looking down along the two tanks and maintaining his routine. As soon as I stood out of the elevator, the doors closed and it descended back into the basement.

I frowned. What should I do? I took to the stairs to my right. I could hide in one of the rooms up there? They’d installed a surveillance camera, but I took no notice of it. I was disguised. Just as my foot touched the bottom step, the floor shook with a mild tremor. I stared at the metal, confusion making me frown. That first tremor was followed by two more, and I watched wordlessly as the two soldiers on this floor ran to the elevator.

I power-walked across the walkway, wincing at the loud metallic noise my heavy boots made against the creaky steel. Coming up to a door that was security level five, I searched the uniform I was wearing carefully. Sure enough, I had the right card!

The door opened and I stood inside, finding a chair and sitting down. I looked through the other pockets on the uniform, and found some rations. I hated those things. They tasted like cardboard. But I opened one and ate it, knowing it would keep my strength up.

I stayed in that room for a while. I knew the guards outside were gone, so I had nothing really to fear for the moment. Closing my eyes and leaning back in my seat, I relaxed and tried to calm myself.

I was far from calm.

I left the room a short time later, hoping to find a way out of there. I was sick of Alaska, if I’m honest. I just wanted to _go home_.  Looking over the railing, I nearly fell over when I realised that one of the tanks was missing. When did that happen? I wasn’t in the office for long… Before I could go downstairs and investigate, my codec beeped.

I froze. This wasn’t Baker’s frequency. Who was calling me? I answered it and spoke before they spoke, hoping to intimidate them a little. “Who are you?” 

There was no hesitation from the caller. “I was really impressed with the way you busted yourself out of there.” I froze for the second time. Was this really...?

“The one from the prison?” I couldn’t keep my confusion out of my voice. Thankfully, he didn’t seem to pick up on it, and continued on regardless.

“You’re the colonel’s niece, Meryl, right?” How did he know _that_? Unless…  He _knew_ my uncle? _Maybe he was a member of FOX-HOUND…_  

He looked exactly like Liquid Snake. His face flashed through my mind. “No… It’s not him…” I sighed, irritated that I was clueless in this entire situation. “Just exactly who are you?”

There was no pause, no time taken to think over his answer. It was instantaneous, almost as though he were waiting for me to ask him that very question. “I’m the fool that your uncle sent all alone into the middle of this whole mess.”

I scoffed. As good a soldier I thought I was, I would never agree to go through with a mission alone. “You came by yourself? You think you’re some kind of one-man army?”

I could almost hear him rolling his eyes. “I don’t need lectures.” Here, he paused. But only for a second. “You’re just like your uncle, you know.”

I frowned, suddenly aware that I was out in the open and talking freely. “How do you know my uncle?” As I asked him, I walked carefully back into the office I had just left. Taking the seat again, I reclined and waited for his reply.

“We go way back.”

_Someone who knew my uncle? They went way back?_ _Could it be…?_

“What’s your name?” The tremble in my hands intensified, and I pressed them together to quell the shaking. It didn’t work.

Grisly voice sounded impatient on the other end of the conversation. “My _name_ ’s not important.”

“Aha!” I fucking knew it! “Could you be Snake? Are you Solid Snake?”

There was a definite pause this time. “That’s what some people called me.” And now he sounded uncomfortable. I felt a little pity for him, but couldn’t contain my excitement.

“The legendary Solid Snake…! You?” I was squealing with admiration and I winced at myself, pulling off my mask to address him properly. “Sorry about before, I wasn’t sure if you were one of the good guys.” I was talking to Solid Snake.

Snake replied instantly. “But I knew you were.” _Oh shit, was it obvious that I’m not prepared for this?_

I had to know what it was, so I could work on it and disguise myself properly. If it was a behavioural thing, then I hadn’t a lot of time to correct myself in front of the guards outside. I was fairly sure that one of them had returned from downstairs, and I wasn’t prepared for a show-down. “How?”

He didn’t pause, but he wasn’t instant either. He was being honest. “It’s your eyes.” 

“My eyes?”

He continued as though I hadn’t said a word. “They’re not soldier’s eyes.”

I could see where he was going to go with this. Or so I thought. I inspected the FAMAS in my hands carefully as I worded my reply, smirking as I spoke. “They’re rookie’s eyes, right?”

“No. They’re beautiful, compassionate eyes.”

My stomach flopped. Did… did he really say that? It was more disbelief at his choice of words than the words themselves. Was he trying to distract me? Because that wasn’t going to work. I scoffed at him. “Just what I’d expect from the legendary Solid Snake. You trying to sweep me off my feet?”  

Snake seemed to scoff as he replied. “Don’t worry. You’ll land back on them once you meet me. The reality is no match for the legend I’m afraid.” Well, _that_ wasn’t threatening at all.

But at the same time, I didn’t think it was true. My uncle never spoke ill of him, so I was fairly sure he was good at heart. At least a little. “I don’t believe that.”

This is when Snake changed subject. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t care if someone did that, but for him, it seemed a little odd. But even while he seemed to be avoiding an awkward or uncomfortable conversation, he also seemed to be genuinely curious to know the answer to his question. “Why did you look so surprised when you saw my face?”

Why did I look surprised? Have you not looked in a mirror for a while? Give him a blond wig and there you fucking go. “ _Because_ , you look just like him.”

There was a moment’s hesitation. “…You mean the terrorist’s leader, Liquid Snake?”

Did he really not know? Or was he being sarcastic? “Yeah, you know him? You’re not brothers are you?”

“I have no family.” Well that was cheery. But he must have come from somewhere.

I was starting to get annoyed with his attitude. “So what’s the deal then?”

Snake was agitated too, apparently. “Who knows, why don’t you ask him?” I held my breath and stopped myself from laughing out loud. My irritation was gone. Snake sighed and continued speaking. “But first I want some information. You were involved in this exercise from the beginning. What exactly happened here?”

Guilt shrouded me. If I had known he was going to get involved, I would have volunteered to work with the terrorists to get him information. But because of the way things panned out, I had nothing of value to tell him. “I’m sorry. I was captured along with President Baker right after the terrorist attack.” My head drooped and I suddenly wanted to pull my legs up to my chest. I refrained.

Snake didn’t miss a beat. “That’s okay.” An odd feeling of relief washed over me, an emotion that I was unused to. He had no idea what was happening here. “But what is this place? I don’t think it’s just a nuclear weapons disposal facility…”

I dropped the FAMAS and frowned. Wouldn’t he have details? A briefing? Unless he was _really_ undercover. “Boy oh boy, it’s just like them… Nobody’s told you anything, did they?” Snake said nothing, and I took that as my queue to continue speaking. “Okay, you see, this place isn’t really for disposing nuclear weapons. This base is owned and operated by a dummy corporation of ArmsTech.”

He was surprised, and I can’t say I blamed him. “This is a _civilian_ base?“

“Right. For the development of Metal Gear.”

Snake’s voice was suddenly much huskier, angry. I was shocked when I heard the growl in my ear. “Colonel.” I paused, waiting for more, but it became clear that Snake was waiting for me to continue. “FOX-HOUND and the Next Generation Special Forces were called here for the test launching of a dummy nuclear warhead.”

Snake was clearly interested in this. “Why FOX-HOUND?”

I picked back up her FAMAS and examined it carefully, wondering if it was worth my while changing the magazine again. “Because they’re a Special Ops group used to handling top secret missions. They figured they could help keep it all hush-hush.”

He was very interested. And confused. “But we must have fired nuclear warheads before. Why just this time?”

I shrugged, despite the fact that he couldn’t see me. “I heard it was because this was to be a final test before the formal adoption of the Metal Gear program…” I found a smattering of blood on the side of the weapon and wiped it clean, using the uniform black gloves I was wearing. “That’s what I heard anyway.”

“Hmmm… Sounds kinda fishy…” He sounded sceptical, but I wasn’t sure if he was unsure how reliable I was as a source, or if he thought the situation sounded odd. I didn’t have a chance to ask him. “So what do you think the terrorists want?”

I stood and stretched, trying not to sigh. “Sorry, I’m not sure… I was captured with President Baker right after the revolt started…”

He had forgotten? “Oh yeah.” He suddenly sounded a lot more hopeful, and it didn’t sit well with me. “That’s when he gave you the detonation code override keys, right?”

I bent over and touched my toes, swinging lightly from side to side. “That’s right.” I felt a little more energised than usual, and had gotten tired of sitting down.

“Amazing you were able to keep’em hidden from the guards.” He actually sounded impressed. I had a moment of pride before replying. 

I was about to reply normally when I remembered his comment on my eyes. I may not have an interest in men, but I know how to get their blood boiling. And I felt he deserved to get a little flustered. “Well… Women have more hiding places than men.” There was a silence from Snake’s end. I wasn’t sure if it had worked or not, but I kept talking regardless. “Anyway, you met Baker, huh? How’s he holding up?” It had been a while since I’d been able to talk to him, and I wondered if they had hurt him in anyway. He was old and frail, with a walking stick. I was worried about him.

Snake took a moment to reply, and when he did, it was remorseful. “…He’s dead.”

I jerked upright from touching my toes. “What?”

“Heart attack. Same as the DARPA Chief…”

“The Chief died from a heart attack too…?” So Snake didn’t kill him. That was slightly reassuring, but not by much. I pulled my foot up to my thigh and held it there.

It suddenly occurred to me that he had to be in a safe place to be able to speak to me so freely. I wondered where that safe place was. Then again, was I even safe? Snake continued speaking. “Was either of them sick or anything?”

I frowned. Baker was old, but he hadn’t mentioned anything more than a gammy leg. And I didn’t know anything of the DARPA Chief’s health. “No, not that I heard of…” 

Snake scoffed. “Well I don’t believe in coincidences. Something funny’s going on.”

I agreed. My arms reached up above my head and stretched. “Hmm… Sounds like it. But I have no idea what.”

“Me neither… yet.” Snake broke off for a moment to think something over. It was an odd pause that I didn’t feel comfortable with. “Do you know the person who designed Metal Gear?”

My mood brightened at the mention of the doctor. “You mean Dr Emmerich?” He was nice, a bit timid though. I enjoyed talking to him.

Snake seemed surprised to hear that I knew him. “Yes. Is he still alive?”

I really wasn’t sure, but I assumed he was. “Probably. He should be in the research lab in the second floor basement of the nuclear warhead storage building to the north.”

Snake hesitated for a second or two. I waited patiently for him to answer. “Second floor basement?”

Why did he repeat what I just said? “Yeah, that’s where his lab is. I think they’re forcing him to work on the nuclear launching program. So they’ll need him alive until that’s done anyway…”

_Oh my god, they might kill him when he finishes._ I didn’t want that for him. “You’re right.” 

There was a silence between us for several minutes. I dropped to the floor and started doing some push-up, positive Snake would end the call. But he surprised me and spoke again. “In case we can’t override the detonation code in time, I need to ask him how to destroy Metal Gear.”

I was incredulous, to say the least. “You plan to take that thing on by yourself, Snake?”

I could almost hear him shrugging with indifference. “It won’t be the first time.” I didn’t respond. This was incredible! My uncle had told me stories as I’d grown up, so I knew Snake was capable. But to be here while he was working was incredible. Snake did what he seemed to do best, and changed subject. Slightly. “What’s the best way to get to the building where the doctor is being held?”

I nodded, puffing my cheeks as I pushed myself up from the floor. “There’s a cargo door on the first floor of this building that leads to the north.”  

The feeling of his voice caressing my eardrum was relaxing to me now. How long had we been talking for? He sounded tense when he spoke again. “What’s the security level of the door there?”

_Oh shit, he only had a level one card, right?_ “Five, but it’s okay… I’ve got a level five card.” Standing up from the floor, I dusted myself off and smirked. _Maybe we’d have to meet up? I could work alongside Solid Snake!_

Snake of course, couldn’t hear what I was thinking. “Well…” He sounded out of his depth, like he wasn’t sure what he should say now. “I’ve got to go save the doctor. You should go…”

I interrupted him quickly, running over and grabbing my FAMAS with determination. “I’m going with you!”

He _knew_ I was going to interject. Perhaps that was why he was unsure what to say next. “No way. You’re still too green. I want you to hide somewhere.”

My eyes narrowed. Even if I had suffered from stage fright, I was still a soldier! I knew how to look after myself! “I’m not green.”

Snake answered in a matter-of-fact tone, a tone that gave me pause. “Oh yes you are.” I couldn’t respond. “You pause for one second in front of your enemy and it’s all over! Good luck doesn’t last forever!” His words hurt me more than I thought they would.

I needed him to understand, to realise that I wasn’t a coward. “I don’t know what happened…” My admission sounded pathetic, even to my own ears. “I just couldn’t pull the trigger right away. I never had any problems in training… but when I thought about my bullets tearing through those soldier’s bodies, I hesitated…”

The colour red, the smell of copper, the weight of death; all of these things drifted into my mind and I winced. Snake’s voice barely registered in my mind as he spoke, probably trying to reassure me. “Shooting at targets and shooting at living, breathing people are different.”

He didn’t see it. He didn’t understand. “Ever since I was a little girl, I always dreamed about being a soldier… Every day of my life, I’ve trained my mind and body for the one day I could finally see some real action, and now…”

_Now I hesitate in a life or death situation._

Snake sounded sceptical when he spoke again. Or was that encouragement? It was difficult to tell, this man didn’t seem very compassionate, plus the fact that we were speaking over a dodgy codec frequency. “So what now? You wanna quit?”

Yes, I wanted to quit. To go home and find my uncle and praise him for his undiluted courage and bravery to go out into this kind of atmosphere, to put his life on the line for people who would never appreciate him. But I couldn’t. “I can’t quit.” Determination quickly flowed back into my voice. “I can’t allow myself to quit now.”

Snake paused, then spoke with such sincerity that I felt a little unhinged. “Listen, Meryl.” That was the second time he had said my name, and the first time, I was too distracted by the fact that I didn’t know who he was to appreciate it. “Everybody feels sick the first time they kill someone. Unfortunately, killing is one of those things that gets easier the more you do it.” He sounded… Stressed, tense. Like he wished he wasn’t here explaining this to me. “In a war, all of mankind’s worst emotions… Worst _traits_ come out. It’s easy to forget what a sin is in the middle of a battlefield.”

I was going to be petty, and I knew it. But at the same time, I couldn’t help it. “But this isn’t a war. It’s a terrorist action.”

Snake’s tone of voice stayed calm, and helped to calm me in the process. It was odd how relaxing he was. “You’re just a little jumpy from the combat high. The adrenaline in your blood stream is starting to thin out. Just take it easy.”

I looked down at my hands. They _were_ shaking. I didn’t really notice it before apart from when I found out who Snake was, but now that I thought about it, they had been shaking since the elevator. “But I learned all about combat high at the academy…” It was different, according the academics. And they had told us how to combat it, to control it. 

Snake took a deep breath. “We’ll talk about it later.” We were going to talk later? So he wasn’t deserting me anytime soon. Thank god. “For now, just think about keeping yourself alive.”

I could agree to that, no problem. “If I get out of here alive, I’ll think about that other stuff.” I was determined once again. Ready for action.

And Snake seemed to note my determination. His tone was notably lighter when he spoke again. “Okay, let me try to say this another way… Stay the hell out of my way.”

After the conversation we’d just had, for Snake to be so downright rude to me was ridiculous. I scoffed at his choice of wording. “You’re a real bastard… just like my uncle said.” Uncle Roy had a habit of complaining about Snake’s attitude, and I was no stranger to it, even if this was my first, technically second, encounter with the man.

Snake scoffed, clearly amused. “I told you. The real me is no match for the legend.”

I giggled. It must have been the combat high, because I don’t usually giggle. Especially not around guys. “It looks like you were right.” And then we both laughed. Snake’s chuckle in my ear made my heart flutter in an odd manner, and my stomach suddenly felt too far up my oesophagus. I maintained my smile as I spoke next. “Okay Snake, I’ll be a good girl.”

Snake sounded pleased. His tone of voice _was_ capable of changing. “We’ll link up after I grab the doctor. Then we’ll take care of the detonation code override.” He was going to let me help?

I nodded. “Got ya. But listen, I know this area better than you. Call me if you have any questions.” And I meant it. Snake could call me at any time and I would go out of my way to help him. To help a legend.

He didn’t reply immediately, and I interpreted that as his silent refusal to agree to ask me for more help. I was going to speak again, to convince him to listen to me, but his response put me off. “Be careful, okay?”

His grisly voice held a certain amount of concern, concern that made me feel guilty. The fate of the world was resting on his shoulders and he was concerned about me. I suddenly felt nauseous; feeling strangely exposed while also being strangely concealed. I shook my head, clearing it of misinterpretations. Snake was merely concerned on behalf of my uncle. Pulling back on the mask, I straightened up and took a hold of my FAMAS again. “After I open up the cargo door, I'll contact you.” And with that, I ended the call. 


	3. Meeting the Legend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seeing the notification that I got Kudos is awesome ^u^ Thank you guys so much! 
> 
> This chapter is a little faster paced, but that's because this part of the game is kind of rushed through. I should have put a warning for profanities too; I've noticed that Meryl curses a lot as I write her. Enjoy! 
> 
> Kudos AND comments are greatly appreciated. If you think I could be missing something big, or writing someone wrong, then please do let me now!

He had sounded _concerned_ for me.

It threw me off, thinking that someone as important and as well-known as Solid Snake would tell me to be careful. The day I told my family that I was going to become a soldier, I had been laughed at. Then encouraged. But nobody was ever concerned for my safety.

Or was he mocking my “green-ness”? He hadn’t called me rookie again for a while, so that had to say something about his opinion of me. Maybe he thought better of me, now that he knew who I was? Had he been speaking to my uncle? Would my uncle have said anything about me?

But regardless of all that, he was right; one small slip-up and I was literally dead. I had to be careful.

Subconsciously, I was hiding my face from the guard downstairs as I left the room. I didn’t even know where Snake was! He could have been in the hangar already for all I knew. I nodded confidently at the lone guard walking around the tank downstairs and made my way over to the cargo door. I assumed there would be a card panel like all the other doors, but there wasn’t one.

Frowning, I looked all around the door before turning around and glancing about the hangar. Where would they put the controls for the door? I hate to admit that I panicked. I hadn’t been here for long before the rebellion, so I didn’t know my way around as confidently as I would have liked. I knew the layout of the island and what buildings were where, but small things like _where the fucking card panel was_ wasn’t given to me in my details.

I looked around carefully, making my way around the lone tank and pretending to keep an eye out for an intruder. The hangar was designed so that there was this level five door on this side of the exit, and a neutral level door on the outside. Which meant Snake only needed this door open and he could get through the next by himself, no problem. _But how do they open this door?_

The office upstairs.

I strolled quickly up to the second floor, ignoring the monotonous guard walking lazily around the hangar. Just as I was about to enter the office again, the elevator made its signature screeching sound as its doors opened and Solid Snake walked out stealthily. I watched as he moved quietly to the small room to the right of the cargo door, keeping an eye on the guard walking around.

I ducked into the office. Finding the computer and finding the right program for the door, I opened the file and frowned when it asked for security clearance. It wouldn’t let me type anything. What do I do? Examining the desk acutely, I found a small device that allowed me to swipe a card. Was this it? I took out my security card and swiped it through, in time to see the screen turn green in confirmation and the notice “Cargo Door Opening” written across the programme. I smirked.

Now to contact Snake.

His frequency was still programmed into the codec, so all I had to do was press send. I walked out onto the metal walkway to check on him. Crouched into the alcove under the staircase, he appeared to be putting something into his equipment belt. The guard walked by him, completely oblivious to the fact that he was there and I wondered if the soldiers had bad eyesight. I pressed send.

He answered immediately, concentration etched into his features. I was surprised that I could see as much as I could from where I stood, and I kept my eyes glued on him. “Snake, I unlocked the cargo door for you.”

Snake nodded in response, looking around to ensure the guard was out of earshot. “Thanks. Where are you?” He patted his belt once he had finished putting whatever it was inside and straightened a little, but remained low to the ground.

I couldn’t help but smirk as I answered him. “Where-I-can-see-ya.” Snake looked around with interest and stared intensely at the guard that walked him by. I saw as he shook his head, then looked back to the floor beneath his feet.

“Don’t move around too much.” _Don’t tell me what to fucking do. I opened a door for you goddammit, give me a little credit._

I sighed, irritated that he was still giving me orders. “Don’t worry. I’m disguised in this enemy uniform.” The guard below was staring at the only tank in the hangar, and I wondered if his assignment was to watch over the two tanks. If that were the case, he let one escape.

I barely suppressed a giggle, the idea of a tank escaping sounding so ridiculously funny right then. My attention was diverted from Snake in that moment, so I almost missed his response. “You won’t be for long with the way you walk.”

My eyes found him again and I scowled. “What does _that_ mean?” I watched with fascination as his eyes widened, then closed.

His reply was somewhat rushed, distracted. “Oh… nothing.” My frown deepened, irritation settling in. Well, whatever. I wanted to stop the terrorists, and I was going to do it with or without him. May as well warn him about the cargo door. 

“Listen Snake, the cargo door is like an airlock.” His stance changed when I instructed him to pay attention. It was oddly empowering knowing that he relied on me for information and I allowed myself to the feeling. “It’s equipped with infrared sensors. _Be careful_. If an intruder is sensed, gas is released.”  

I noticed his worried expression. He didn’t have the security of a uniform to keep him safe like I did. I almost suggested that he take my uniform to get through the door. His mumbled reply to my warning was so quiet that I almost missed it. “Gas…”

He needed help. I couldn’t stay here and wait for him to get into trouble. I’d be more help to him if I moved parallel to where he was. I had to move with him, whether he liked it or not. “Okay, so we’ll meet at the nuclear warhead storage building.”

Snake visibly tensed. “Wait! You said you’d stay put and be a good girl!” Hearing him say those words in that order made my stomach dip in a way that I was unfamiliar with, and I shook my head to clear my confused thoughts.

 “I changed my mind.” And that’s exactly what I did. He didn’t need to know that I was thinking of him as well as myself. That part was irrelevant.

He growled in response. “Don’t get careless, that’s when things always turn sour.” It was something I’d never really heard before. Solid Snake growled at people when he got annoyed with them, it was an odd sound.

But hold on… When he says not to get careless, does he mean I should stay here and stay safe? Or was he warning me that if I do decided to move around, I should do so carefully?  I assumed he meant the former, so I told him half the reason for moving. “Sorry, but this is the only way I can figure out whether or not I’m cut out to be a soldier… I gotta get my hands dirty.”

He was clearly concerned; his tone wavered between angry and pleading, and it perplexed me. “These guys are professionals. You’re gonna get yourself killed.”

_No I won’t._

I already knew how I’d get to the storage building. It was easy, I could climb into the back of the supply truck that would be rumbling through here soon enough. That truck was long overdue.

Snake needed to have a little more faith in me. “See ya there!”

I watched as his expression became incredulous after I ended the call. He stood there dumbfounded for a moment, his eyes unmoving, staring at the criss-cross of the metal flooring for what seemed like hours. Eventually, he focused and steeled himself, cautiously making his way to the cargo door.

My heart leapt into my throat when I saw that he was going to walk into the beams despite my warning. I hit send again, hoping he’d answer. And he did, immediately. I wasted no time.

“Be careful Snake. That air lock is set with infrared sensors. You probably can’t see them with your naked eyes, but there are infrared beams coming out of that wall. Touch any one of them, and the doors will seal off and the place will be flooded with poison gas. Somehow you’ve got to get through without setting off those sensors.”

And I ended the call without giving him a chance to respond. He had stopped moving when I contacted him, but now he moved backwards, away from the danger. I watched with bated breath as he contacted someone else on his codec and spoke for a moment or so, before he took out _a packet of cigarettes and lit one_.

I stared in confusion. What the hell? Cigarettes? At a time like this? Snake blew out a plume of smoke and I saw exactly why he had decided to light one up now.

He could see the beams.

The smoke revealed the beams moving up and down haphazardly, and he moved delicately between each one. Whoever he had spoken to on the codec was very, very clever.

I moved downstairs, nodding to the guard as he walked upstairs before making my way over to the cargo door. As Snake opened the exit door and walked through, I sighed with relief.

 

* * *

 

It was about thirty minutes later when the truck arrived. There was a whole lot of shouting and pointing, with guards grabbing other guards and ammo being exchanged. I got into the back of the supply truck with the other guard that had been in the hangar with me, and we waited patiently for the others to orientate themselves before we set off.

I have to admit, I’m not much of an outdoors person. Don’t get me wrong, fresh air is important and all that, but I never really valued the outdoors before this incident. I was blinded temporarily by bright sunlight reflecting off the white snow, having been kept in the prison cell for so long and being indoors mostly even before that. The smell of crisp, clean, cold air filled my nostrils, and I looked out the back of the truck to see where we were.

The hangar building seemed to be slowly moving away from us as we drove, the guard behind me dozing noisily in his seat. Gunpowder and burn suddenly filled my nostrils, and I winced at the severity of the smell.

I peered around the edge of the truck carefully, trying to find the source of the stink. We were halfway over the snowfield when the tank from the hangar, smoke rising from the back of it and a soldier lying dead in front of it, came into view. I gasped and sat back down, wondering if Snake was okay.

_He must be. The guard is dead and the tank probably won’t start again._

My eyes closed. _He’s fine. Of course he is. He’s okay._ The guard next to me woke up and wiped his mouth, coughing slightly to clear his throat. With all the snoring he had been doing, I was surprised his throat wasn’t sore. I tried not to scoff and waited for the darkness of the storage building.

 

* * *

 

There was an odd green hue as we drove into the storage building. The guards were wearing gas masks and hazardous-material suits, and I tried not to panic as I wondered what they were for. They started shouting orders and redirecting us, pointing me to the top of the stairs with another guard and we stood to attention, waiting for further instruction. I hadn’t heard from Snake in just over an hour I think, and I was starting to get a little worried.

My codec activated and I sighed in relief, moving away from the guard and answering. “Meryl, the engineer’s okay.” His voice filled my head and calmed me, despite the fact that he sounded a little out of breath.

“That’s a relief.” I liked Dr Emmerich. I was glad to hear he was okay. What was more relieving was the fact that Snake was also alright. That meant more to me than the doctor.

Snake sounded confident when he spoke again. “I want you to look after him. Where are you?” _Where am I? Wouldn’t you like to know._

I smirked as I looked around the hangar. “Very close.” My voice trailed off when I noticed that the other guard was standing too close to me. He looked at me in confusion for a second, then realisation set in.

“There she is! Over there!” His shout attracted all the other guards and there were suddenly a half dozen guards making their way toward me.

Snake was still waiting for me to respond. “Damn, they’ve spotted me!” As I spoke, I dodged the bullets aimed at my head and threw myself down behind a metal container. My head connected with the cool metal and my vision blurred for a couple of seconds. That was when the smell hit my nostrils.

I could smell gas.

I thought my vision was still blurry as I looked around the now green room, but I quickly realised that this building was like the cargo door: it was an airlock. I stumbled from my hiding spot and lunged for the elevator, holding my breath. Bullets flew passed by me as I struggled inside, finally pressing the button and beginning the descent to the floor below.  As soon as the doors shut, the gas cut off and I ripped the mask from my face.

I was gulping in air too quick. My head swam, my eyes blurring as I coughed and tried to breathe normally again. The elevator stopped and the doors opened. I stumbled out into a fancy hallway, lined with timber panels and tiled floors. Turning to my left, I found a women’s bathroom and almost fell inside.

I splashed water on my face, then drank some. “You almost died Meryl. Pull yourself together…” Talking to myself probably doesn’t sound like a sane thing to do, but in this situation, it helped me a lot. I tried to activate my codec, only just realising that Snake and I had gotten cut off. The codec was silent as I pressed send, and I cursed. It was broken!

A tune suddenly filled my head. It was a sad, yet pleasant tune, and I found that I felt a lot stronger again. I nodded, pulled on the mask and decided what I had to do. I had to find Snake. I couldn’t contact him now that my codec was broken, so I’d have to wait for him to find me.

But I had to keep pushing.

I made my way out of the ladies and looked around again. I knew this floor. The double doors to my left led to an office space, the corridor to my right to the Commander’s Room and the men’s room was at the end of the corridor, on the right. I felt like I was floating toward the doors instead of walking, my steps light and carefree. _I would find Snake again. We would meet up. We would get out of here alive._

The doors opened and I strolled inside, walking around the square space with ease. There was only one other guard in here, and we walked in parallel to each other. I ducked into one of the small offices and found a Desert Eagle in a crate lined with sawdust. I weighed it in my hands, before quickly stuffing it into the waist of my jeans beneath the uniform.

I left the office and resumed patrolling, waiting to see Snake. It was only a matter of minutes before he walked directly in front of me, after leaving one of the offices himself. I turned around and I ran, confident that he’d follow me.

I got to the ladies’ room and stripped myself of the uniform, draping it gracefully over the toilet in the end stall. I peeled the mask from my slightly sweaty face, anxious to be meeting the legend properly. For real.

I waited in the first stall with the FAMAS in hand, hoping to sneak up on him again. And I did. He came into the bathroom and made his way quickly down to the end stall, staring at the uniform in confusion. I pointed the gun at his back and spoke confidently.

“Don’t move!”

He straightened himself regardless and turned around, his eyes widening slightly when he saw my face. “That’s the second time I’ve been able to sneak up on the legendary Solid Snake.” I was proud of myself. Despite the fact that he thought I was a rookie and too green, I had been able to hold him up _twice_. 

Snake’s eyes roamed up and down my body. Even though I had left on my vest and jeans, I felt naked as he assessed my appearance. “You’re Meryl?” He sounded… Surprised. “There’s no way you could pass for a man for long.”

“What do you mean?” Well that was rude. Or… was he complimenting me? In an indirect way? I decided to change the subject. “Hey, men aren’t allowed in here.”

Snake didn’t blanch at all. His expression was blank, holding no interest as he mocked me. “I had no idea you were so _feminine.”_  

I shook my head. _Was he serious? This again?_ I looked down at myself, wondering if he meant physically or mentally… Or both. “This is no time to try to hit on me Snake. Besides…” Here, I looked back up at him with a smirk. “It’s a waste of time. When I signed up they gave me psychotherapy to destroy my interest in men.”  

Snake smirked in return as he pointed at me nonchalantly and commented, “Same smart mouth, you’re Meryl alright.” I scoffed as he looked me up and down. _Again_. “Are you hurt?”

I shook my head, motioning to the uniform behind him. “Not yet, after all I was disguised as a genome soldier.”

“So why’d you change? You’d be a lot better off dressed like one of them.”

I scoffed again, moving away slightly from him. “I got tired of disguising myself.” Snake didn’t seem convinced. I held his stare for a moment, then turned away and confessed. “The truth is, the uniform smelled like blood.” 

Snake didn’t answer straight away. I waited for him to comment on the fact that I was in the middle of a battlefield and was at risk of dying, but was more concerned about the uniform smelling of blood. I winced as I thought about it, rubbing my arm awkwardly in silence.

When Snake finally did speak, he didn’t ask the question that was slowly burning through my mind. “What’s that mark?” He gestured confidently to my shoulder, and I panicked, thinking it might have been a gunshot wound.

I looked down and saw nothing more than my tattoo and relaxed. “Huh, oh this? It’s a paint tattoo, it’s not real.” I turned my arm so that we could both see it better. “I was a fan of FOX-HOUND way back, when guys like you and my uncle were in it, none of that gene therapy like there is today. You guys were real heroes.”

Snake raised an eyebrow. “There are no heroes in war. All the heroes that I know are either dead, or in prison, one or the other.”

I tilted my head, folding my arms. “But Snake, you’re a hero, aren’t you?”

My uncle and Solid Snake were two of the most influential men in my life. They were my motivation for all the training I pushed myself through, for putting my life on the line. Even now, the only reason why I was still here was because I wanted to help Snake. I looked up to him, saw him as a hero. For him to say otherwise caused my conviction to waver.

Snake shook his head, gesturing with his hands his nonchalance. “I’m just a man who’s good at what he does: killing. There’s no winning or losing for a mercenary. The only winners in war are the people.”

 _But that was the point!_ I found myself getting a little excited, jumping at the opportunity to let Snake know just how much he was appreciated. “That’s right, and you fight _for_ the people!”

“I’ve never fought for anyone but myself. I’ve got no purpose in life, no ultimate goal.” 

I stared at him, amazed at what he had just said. He doesn’t fight for anyone but himself? But why would he continue fighting then? Especially if he thinks he has no ultimate goal… “Come on…” I was at a loss at what to say. He was dampening my spirits and I realised with a pang that he was right; the reality was no match for the legend.

Snake continued to look me in the eye. “It’s only when I’m cheating death on the battlefield, the only time I feel truly alive…” He suddenly looked away, an air of uncertainty hanging heavy between us both.

“Seeing other people die makes you feel alive, huh? You love war and don’t want it to stop? Is it the same with all great soldiers throughout history?” I felt betrayed. Everything I believed in, fighting for the people who couldn’t fight for themselves, was a lie. All the great men that I looked up to were hungry for taste of another man’s death. I could feel bile creeping up my throat.

Snake, on the other-hand, was nonchalant as ever. He stood confidently in front of me, watching as I deliberated my inner dilemma. He placed more weight on one leg as he appraised me, his eyebrow raising again. “Why didn’t you contact me?”

When was I supposed to contact him? When I was running for my life? I shook my head, reaching up to touch the codec device in my ear. “My codec was broken.” It still is, technically speaking.

“Was that all?”

I almost laughed at him. He sounded _offended_ that I didn’t contact him again. Did that mean he was worried about me? Or did he just like to be in control? “Shouldn’t you just be happy we met up like this?” I moved over closer to the stalls, placing the FAMAS down carefully against the wooden partition. “How did you recognise me in disguise?”

Snake’s reply was noncommittal, but laced with interest. “I never forget a lady.” 

I smirked, looking at him over my shoulder from my position at the stalls. “So there’s something you like about me, huh?”

Snake’s expression changed. It was odd to see this legend up close, a look between amusement and excitement on his usually cold face. “Yeah, you’ve got a great butt.” Oh good God, he even _sounded_ excited.

I frowned at him in confusion, before cupping mentioned-body-part-of-mine through my jeans. Snake’s eyes followed the gesture. “Oh, I see. First it’s my eyes, now it’s my butt. What’s next?” To be honest, I’d never thought of Snake as a womaniser. The idea of him trying to seduce a woman had never really crossed my mind, not until his first comment about my eyes. Now, it seemed that he was a natural at it. 

Snake’s eyes met mine again, and I noted the seriousness in his eyes when he next spoke. The deep blue of his irises was almost hypnotic, and I found myself clinging onto every word he spoke. “On the battlefield, you never think about what’s next.” 


	4. Feeling Psychic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for the kudos! 
> 
> I have a week off work, so I will hopefully be working on both this story and some fanart over the next few days. I'll be sure to post links to everything!

_“On the battlefield, you never think about what’s next.”_

Snake’s words were bouncing around my head. I had no reply for him, and he didn’t seem to have anything else to say to me. I looked around the room awkwardly, the reality of where we were and what was currently happening coming back to me. “So Snake, how are the negotiations going?” I rested a hand on my hipbone, a nervous habit for when I felt uncomfortable.

Snake shook his head, folding his arms as he did. “No progress.”

I raised my eyebrows, incredulity easing into my voice. “So it’s all up to you, huh?”

Snake shrugged. “Someone’s got to stop them from launching a nuclear missile.”

I was still desperate to help. I wasn’t sure if Snake planned to ask me all he needed to know and then leave me here, so I wanted to ensure my ability to continue helping him.  

I nodded at him. “There are two ways; either we destroy Metal Gear, or…”

“We override the detonation code.” He finished my sentence. It still amazed me that Snake was confident about having to destroy Metal Gear. His rough voice pulled me out of my thoughts and I turned my attention back to him as he spoke again. “You got the card keys from Baker?”

“Cards keys? You mean this?” I took the card from down the front of my vest, noting Snake’s gaze as I rooted around for it. There was only one card key; Baker had given it to me and warned me that it was important.   

Snake took it from me and waited for a moment. When I made it clear that that was all I had, he looked down at the single card in confusion. “Where are the others? There should be three keys!”

I took a step back. “This is all I’ve got.” _Oh shit._

He glared at the black and yellow card. “Where could the other two be?”

I watched him as he rethought his plans. “I have no idea, but they must be somewhere.” Maybe we could look around the base for them? But then again, we only had a few hours before the terrorists launched the nuke. We didn’t have time to go looking through all the different offices. “If we can’t find them, we’ll have no choice but to destroy Metal Gear!”

Snake nodded and turned away, toward the door to the restroom. “Metal Gear is in an underground maintenance base to the north.” He made to move, to leave without me, and I stood in front of him.

“Take me too! I know this place better than you do!” Snake made to move around my again, and I continued to stay in his line of vision.

“You’ll just slow me down.” He shook his head when I moved into the way yet again. “You don’t have enough battle experience.”

Well, I couldn’t argue with that. I wouldn’t slow him down, but I knew that I didn’t have the amount of battle experience that I needed for this. “I won’t slow you down, I promise.” I rested a hand on his arm, and Snake’s eyes immediately fell upon it.

“And what if you do?” It was a smooth, calculating question. Snake was _thinking_ about bringing me with him! Was this his way of warning me not to prove him right?

I took in a deep breath and held it. What would be the most convenient way of dealing with someone incompetent in the middle of a battle?

“…Then you can shoot me.”

Snake retracted his arm from mine, looking me full on in the face. His reply was instantaneous, almost as though he was expecting my answer. But at the same time, his expression was controlled to the point where I suspected that he didn’t like that idea. “I don’t like to waste bullets.” His reply was non-committal, and I nearly sighed in relief.   

It looked like that worked. I _would_ be careful; I’d show Snake where to go, how to find Metal Gear and maybe even help him destroy it! “Got it. I’ll be careful.” I walked over to the wall of mirrors and leaned against the sinks again. I could see Snake in the reflection, confident that he wouldn’t leave. I focused on myself, noting the dark circles under my eyes. My skin was blotchy, and I thought back to when I was slightly younger, when my skin was clear and I didn’t have as many stress-lines on my face. “You know, I don’t use makeup the way other women do. I hardly ever look at myself in the mirror.” All the other girls I knew wore makeup to hide their flaws. I didn’t bother. “I’ve always despised that kind of woman. I always dreamed of becoming a soldier.” A soldier was noble, a hero. A soldier saved lives and fought for those who needed the representation.

“But I was wrong. It wasn’t really my dream.” I looked down at my hands, knuckles white as they clenched at the porcelain sink. “My father, he was killed in action when I was younger.” I held my breath, not really waiting for Snake’s reaction, but waiting for the strength to continue speaking.

Snake took a step forward, toward me. His face was impartial, and his movement was more to eliminate the need to raise his voice rather than to be of comfort. “You wanted to follow in your father’s footsteps?”

I sighed, detecting the miniscule amount of interest in Snake’s tone. “Not really… I thought that if I became a soldier I could understand him better.” I never knew him. He died before I had the chance to spend time with him, to learn from him, to grow with him. I didn’t know my father at all, so becoming a soldier was an attempt at getting closer to him. Or was it?

“So are you a soldier yet?” He was curious again. Snake wanted to know if I had done it, if I had achieved my goal. Did I know my father any better? Did I even know _myself_?

I continued to stare at my reflection, the tears I had been fighting off making their way down my cheeks silently. “I thought I was until today. But now, I understand.” I winced back at my reflected face. “Truth is, I was just afraid of looking at myself, afraid of having to make my own decisions in life. But I’m not going to lie to myself anymore. It’s time I took a long, hard look at myself. I wanna know who I am, what I’m capable of. I wanna know why I’ve lived the way I’ve lived until now. I want to _know_.”

Snake took his SOCOM out and looked it over, before looking at my reflection in the mirror. “Take a good look, you won’t get another chance for a while. You should wash your face too, while you’re at it.”

I suddenly realised that I _had started crying in front of Solid Snake_. The embarrassment settled in my stomach as I composed herself, just barely able to reply to him. “Yeah…” I rubbed at my face, willing the smudge marks to disappear. My hands were filthy… Should I wash them? Did I have time? Or was there any point? They’d probably get dirty again as soon as I left the room, so why would I bother?

Snake spoke, seemingly interpreting my breathy reply as my disinterest in what was happening. “This isn’t a training exercise, our lives are riding on this. There are no heroes, or heroines. If you lose, you’re worm food.”

Again, I was too preoccupied with my emotions to answer properly. “Yeah…”

Snake changed subject. That seemed to be his hobby, I scoffed, but right now this was what I needed. “Is that FAMAS functional?”

I sniffed, composing myself and turning around. “Unfortunately it’s out of ammo.”

He gestured to the gun on my hip. “Where’d you get that Desert Eagle?”

I took it out, holding it up proudly and admiring it. “Found it in the armoury.” At least, I thought it was an armoury. There were other weapons there too at one point, but I only had eyes for the Desert Eagle. “It’s a 5o calibre action express. There was a SOCOM pistol too, but I chose this.” I ran my hand along the barrel, waiting for Snake to give his verdict on my choice.  

He took out his SOCOM, aiming it at the mirror perfectly. His hands didn’t quiver, nor did he seem to be struggling with the weight the gun carried. “Hmm, so I get the leftover, huh?” I smirked at his comment. “Isn’t that gun a little big for a girl?”

I scoffed. “Don’t worry, I can handle it.” More ‘feminine’ jokes. They get boring _real_ quick.

Snake then held out his weapon, with a disinterested tone. “C’mon, use my 45.”

I scowled at him, offended he would try to force my hand. I didn’t need a smaller gun, I liked the Desert Eagle; it fit into my hand perfectly. All during training, I had used weapons and guns this size or larger. I had all the practice I needed. “Listen, I’ve used a gun like this since I was 8 years old. I’m more comfortable with it than I am with a bra.” Snake looked me up and down, and I regretted my choice of wording. “If we’re gonna go to the north, we’ll have to go through the Commander’s Room on this floor. The overland route is blocked by glaciers. The door to the Commander’s Room is security level five.” I pulled the card from my chest, handing it over. “This card will open it. It was inside the pocket of the uniform I was wearing.”  

Snake stared at the card, a small frown set upon his face. “Looks like he must have been guarding someplace important…“     

I nodded, then moved back to the uniform I had discarded and rifled through the pockets. I found the two rations that were left over, and another magazine for his SOCOM. Snake busied himself in the front of the bathroom as I went through the uniform, checking his equipment and going over our plan.

I didn’t quite know how to get _through_ the Commander’s Room. I had heard from one of the guards that the overland route was blocked, and that was all I knew. I had never actually been inside the Commander’s Room before. My fingers tingled with nerves at the idea of going somewhere I wasn’t familiar with, but I was equally confident that Snake wouldn’t let anything happen to me.  

I thought I knew the maintenance base Snake was talking about, and knew that we had a bit of trek to get there if the overland route was blocked. It would all have to be underground. But _where_ underground?  

I finally made my way back over to Snake and nodded at him, ready to leave. “Okay, let’s go! I know this place better than you. I’ll be point-man. Follow me.” Then I turned and left the bathroom cautiously.

Standing outside, I realised that there was no-one around. When Snake walked out of the bathroom, I turned to him in confusion. “That’s strange, there’s no guard.”

Snake looked around the corridor, finally settling back on me. “What happened to the music?” I frowned slightly at the memory of the slow, depressing melody.

I shook my head. “I’ll keep a look-out. Make sure you’re ready okay?” And I walked over to the left of the double doors across from the elevator. Snake nodded in confirmation before disappearing into the main office area, probably to check the rooms he couldn’t access before. I stood and waited patiently for Snake, thinking over the number of guards that were usually present here. There used to be three on this floor; two to stay on look-out in the main room, while the third was nearby to relieve someone if need be. 

I took my Desert Eagle from my waist band and looked it over, making sure it would work. I couldn’t fire it now; that would alert any enemies nearby to our location. I started tapping it absentmindedly to my thigh as I waited for Snake. He exited the doors, stopping to stare at me and looking my entire body up and down. I could feel the flush rising in my body as he appraised me, but I tilted my head, feigning indifference, as I asked him what he was doing. “What?”

Snake said nothing, ducking his head and moving quickly to the corridor north of where I was standing. The corridor to the Commander Room. I jogged after him, having wasted time watching him.

We walked cautiously through the first set of double doors, with Snake leading and me following. As soon as the doors closed behind us, that same slow, drawn-out melody played again. I found myself walking toward the door faster than Snake was, and I waited for him to reach me in front of the doors.

There was a sudden flash of pain through my temples, and I gripped my head. “My head… Oooh, it hurts…” I fell to my knees. The pain spread from my temples to behind my eyes and then finally to the back of my head, provoking tears with the intensity of it. It was blinding.

Snake remained standing, but moved closer to me with a hand outstretched. “What’s wrong?” I tried to focus on him but the pain was explosive, becoming worse with every passing moment. I could suddenly see the room behind us, the Commander’s Room. It was cloaked in a green fog, and I felt as though I were _floating_ above the carpeted floor. There was a brief image of a square area of concrete littered with claymore mines. I squeezed my eyes shut, terrified that I was seeing something other than what was actually in front of me.

 _What the fuck was in that last ration?_ I couldn’t think straight. There was a feeling of unease and danger from the room. “Don’t come here Snake!” As soon as I had spoken, the pain intensified and I could do no more than gasp at the sudden coldness that drowned my nervous system; it was like the elevator all over again. But worse…

I was no longer in control. Of anything. Snake waited patiently for me to calm, watching as I stood unsteadily and faced him. “Are you okay?” Snake didn’t sound irritated like I had expected. I cringed, but found that I couldn’t reply. “What happened?”  Now he was impatient. Why couldn’t I answer? I tried to open my mouth but my body would not respond. I wanted to scream, to panic, to hyperventilate, _anything_. But I couldn’t.

I couldn’t move my own body, yet I could feel when it was moved for me. My arms stretched out a little in front of me, shaking themselves slightly. “I’m fine.” The voice that left my mouth was not mine. It was hollow and breathy; it sounded like I was talking through a gas mask. I could feel my expression was indifferent, and I noted the look of worry on Snake’s face. “Okay. Let’s go.”

I walked confidently to the door, the feeling of walking without wanting to similar to that floating feeling I experienced a little while before. I stopped and stood at the double doors to the Commander’s Room, extending an arm to invite Snake inside. “C’mon Mister FOX-HOUND, the Commander is waiting.” 

Snake waited for a moment, not uttering another word, before walking slowly into the room beyond the door. The doors close and _locked_ behind us. We were trapped.

Snake walked a short distance toward the desk in the room when another pain exploded through my brain and I let out a pained gasp. My took my gun from its holster and aimed it at Snake, just in time for him to turn around and see it.

Again, that hollow voice spoke, and I waited silently as I held my gun to the legend himself. “Snake…” I took a step closer toward him. Snake didn’t move at all as I made my way toward him. “Do… Do you like me?” Snake merely raised an eyebrow at this, but moved back a step backwards in confusion.

My heart nearly stopped. What the _fuck_ was happening right now? Why would I care if he _liked_ me? Snake seemed equally as impressed with my questioning. I continued speaking, lowering my weapon for a moment to ask him the same question again. “Do you like me?” Snake frowned at me, unsure of what was happening. “Hold me, Snake!”

He blanched, clearly uncomfortable. “What’s wrong?” Fighting against whatever was in control, I managed to drop my gaze to my gun and wavered on the spot. Before Snake could ask again, I lost the ounce of control and my face looked back up at him.

I aimed my gun at him again, a sudden urgency in my hollowed voice. “Hurry, hurry! Make love to me!” I moved toward him as Snake moved backwards, nearly hitting into the desk. “Snake, I _want_ you…” He looked from my body up passed my head, setting his gaze on something or someone above me.  

Snake’s expression changed. He was no longer confused, but couldn’t keep the uncertain tremor from his voice as he steeled his expression on whatever he was seeing above my head. _What was he looking at?_ “Who’s that?” 

My arms dragged the Desert Eagle into the air and aimed it at the ceiling. A breathy voice, not my new sound, but a deeper, mocking tone came from above me. “Hmmm? You don’t like girls?”

My arms brought back down the gun and aimed at Snake, and I fought against the coldness in vain. My fingers started to pull on the trigger and I fought it, giving Snake time to answer his codec. A determined look crossed his face as he disconnected and looked back at me. His expression was pained as his hands landed on my shoulders and he pushed me backwards, throwing me off balance as he did.

I righted myself and pulled the trigger, and he dodged, before pulling his hand back and slapping me hard across the face. I gasped at the contact. My fingers squeezed the trigger once more, before Snake grabbed me from behind. His arms laced around my neck delicately as he cut off my air supply, and my eyes began to droop.

There was something minuscule, something faint whispered to me as I slipped into that all-too-familiar darkness, but I couldn’t make it out. In the comfort of Snake’s arms, I fell unconscious, knowing that he would look after me until I awoke.

 


	5. Becoming Bait

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this story is a little fast-paced, and I know that Meryl is unconscious a lot, but that's all that happens to her really. The game itself is fast-paced, and we don't see a whole lot of Meryl, so after this chapter it's going to be new storyline. We'll probably find ourselves back in the actual storyline in chapter nine or so.

When my eyes finally opened, I was standing upright again. I could see everything with an odd clarity, despite the cold flooding my body still. The pain in my head was gone, and I realised that I could speak! But before I could say anything, my eyes found Snake and Psycho Mantis in the room in front of me.

_Psycho Mantis was controlling me._

_And Snake was trying to defeat him._

Mantis looked over at me and smirked, my arms holding out my Desert Eagle, aimed at Snake. My finger squeezed the trigger again and I winced. _When would this nightmare end? Why couldn’t I fight Mantis off?_ Snake threw out a grenade as he dodged my bullet and I was temporarily blinded by the bright flash, dropping my gun and falling to my knees. I heard Mantis scoff. “You are powerful indeed. But I know your weak point!”

His breathy voice fell over me as he floated above me, and I shivered in discomfort. “Meryl. Stand right where he can see you, and blow your brains out!” My right hand gripped the smooth handle with ease, bringing it to my head and pushing it firmly to my temple. I squealed in terror, trying to force my arm to lower the gun, but to no avail.

Snake’s face changed to complete horror, and he lowered his SOCOM as he reached out a hand. “Stop! Meryl!” He ran toward me and I felt as though I were watching in slow motion; his hand slapping the gun from my hand and then dropping another stun grenade. He moved back as it exploded, the white in my vision clearing into a warm, fuzzy darkness once again.

 

* * *

 

When my eyes opened next, I could hear that breathy voice once more. I jerked upright, before realising that Snake was talking to a defeated Mantis. My arms; I could move them again! As I pushed myself upright slowly, Mantis was telling Snake that he would read his future. My muscles hurt from being abused by Mantis, and I groaned with the dense aching in my arms and legs.

I stood up fully and looked around, locating Snake crouched near Mantis on the floor by the desk. I made my way toward the slowly, listening carefully to what Mantis was saying.

“To get to the Metal Gear underground maintenance base, you have to go through that hidden door. There is hidden door behind the bookcase. The overland route, it’s blocked by frozen glaciers. Go passed the Communication Towers, and use the tower’s walkway.” His breathy voice was even more breathy, his sentences more broken and fractured.   

Snake frowned, his arm resting casually on his knee. “Why are you telling me this?”

Mantis took a few breaths before replying. His breathing vaguely reminded me of Darth Vader, and I winced as I approached. “I can read people’s minds. In my lifetime, I have read the pasts, presents and futures of thousands upon thousands of men and women.” As he spoke, Snake removed his mask to help him speak and I caught a glimpse of his face.  

“Oh, gross.” I couldn’t help but comment. Scars ran across the entirety of his head, disfiguring his face. He coughed and blood appeared around his mouth, and I cringed away.

Mantis continued talking, and Snake paid full attention. “And each mind that I peered into, was stuffed with the same single object of obsession; that selfish and sadistic desire to pass on one’s seed, was enough to make me sick. Every living thing on this planet exists to mindlessly pass on their DNA. We’re designed that way and that’s why there is war.”  

Mantis turned to Snake. “But you… You are different. But the same as us. We have no past, no future. We live in the moment, that’s our only purpose. Humans weren’t designed to bring each other happiness; from the moment we’re thrown into this world, were fated to bring each other nothing but pain and misery.”

He took an extra-long breath before continuing. “The first person whose mind I dove into, was my father’s. I saw nothing but disgust and hatred for me in his heart. My mother died in childbirth and he despised me for it. I thought my father was going to kill me. That’s when my future disappeared. I lost my past as well… when I came to, the village was engulfed in flames.”

Snake sounded shocked when he spoke. “Are you saying you burned your village down to bury your past?”

Mantis ignored him, taking in a wheezy breath and letting it out slowly. “I see that you have suffered the same trauma.” Mantis laughed, and more blood fell onto his lips. “We are truly the same, you and I. The world is a more interesting place with people like you in it. I never agreed with the boss’ revolution. His dreams of world conquest do not interest me. I just wanted an excuse to kill as many people as I could.”

I took a step closer, anger building as I listened to the dying man lying on the floor in front of me. “You monster!”

Snake angled himself so that I could hear him better, and shook his head. “Let him talk. He doesn’t have much time left.”

“I’ve seen true evil. Snake, you’re just like the boss. No, you’re worse… Compared to you, I’m not so bad.” Mantis sounded almost relieved, then inclined his head toward me. “I read her mind as well.” I blanched, and turned away from Snake’s questioning gaze.

“Meryl’s?” Snake sounded surprised.

“I saw you there. You have a large place in my heart.” I sighed in irritation. He made it sound odd. And it wasn’t like that.

“A _large_ place?” Now Snake sounded indifferent.  

“Yes, a large place, but I do not know if your futures lie together. I have a last request.” Mantis changed subject pretty quickly, just like Snake would have done. I thought this was strange, but didn’t question it. There would be no point anyway. 

Snake looked back down at Mantis. “What is it?”

Psycho Mantis was becoming more and more wheezy, his sentences taking longer to come together. “My mask… put it back on.”

“Okay.” Snake agreed immediately. He picked it up, but before he could place it on his face, Mantis spoke again.

“Like this, other people’s thoughts force their way into my mind. Before I die, I want to be by myself. I want to be left alone in my own world.” Once the mask was back on, the wheezy breathing became louder in the quiet room.

“I’ll open the door for you. If you want to find your future, go through that door.” The bookcase in the back corner of the room moved, revealing a colder corridor leading to another card key door. “This is the first time I’ve ever used my power to help someone. It’s strange, its feels… Kind of… Nice…” I saw the exact moment the life left Mantis’ eyes; they glazed over and didn’t fully close as his head fell limply to the side.

Snake dropped his head a moment, before standing and looking to the hidden door. “Let’s go Meryl.” He strolled casually to the door, waiting for me to follow.

I stared down at Mantis’ lifeless body, the guilt in my stomach weighing my down. “I’m sorry.”

Snake paused. “Meryl?”

“How could I let Mantis control my mind like that?” I was speaking more to herself than him at that point, but the question was open-ended. It was pathetic, having someone controlling my mind the way he did.

Snake didn’t seem very impressed. I faced him as he spoke. “If you’re gonna doubt yourself, I’ll leave you here.”

I nodded. There was nothing else I could do. He was right; I had to keep moving, keep pushing myself forward. “You’re right.”

He continued to speak, getting faster as he did. I thought he might have been uncomfortable about something, but I couldn’t think what. “Never doubt yourself. Just let it make you stronger. Learn something from it.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry, I won’t do it again.” I paused, looking down at the floor. I suddenly thought of what Mantis had said about him having a large place in my heart and I cringed. Maybe that was what was bothering him? “Snake, can I ask you something? “

He was still standing by the door, his SOCOM in hand. “What?”

How should I ask him? Was there really any way to bring this up? “About what Mantis said… I was just wondering…”

He actually seemed irritated now. “What? What’s the problem now?” He barked out his answer, clearly aggravated.

I flinched, his aggression making me uncomfortable. “Oh no, nothing…” I had to go about that another way. Another thought crossed my mind. Mantis had said that they were alike. How alike were they? “So tell me Snake, what’s your name? Your _real_ name.”

“A name means nothing on the battlefield.” He was treating me to the same short-answers he gave me on the Codec. I didn’t like how cold he was being.

I tried again. “How old are you?”

“Old enough to know what death looks like.” _Yikes_.

I wanted to lighten the mood. The tension in the room was almost unbearable. “Any family?”

“No.” But here, Snake paused. There was a tenderness in his voice when he spoke again. “But I was raised by many people.” I was relieved to see that he did care, even if it was only minute.

I took a breath and held it, wondering if this question would tip the balance between his patience and impatience. “Is there… anyone you like?”

Snake’s reply was immediate. “I’ve never been interested in anyone else’s life.” Well _that_ reassured me.

I looked down to the floor, a frown crossing my features. “So you _are_ all alone. Just like Mantis said…” All this time, I thought he was surrounded by people who loved and cared for him. People that he protected or represented in battle. But he wasn’t… Being a war hero wasn’t beautiful. It wasn’t heroic. It was only sad, lonely and _terrifying_.  

Snake was oblivious to my thoughts, but seemed equally as uneasy when he spoke again. “Other people just complicate my life. I don’t like to get involved.”

I looked up at him, tears filling my eyes. “You’re a sad, lonely man…” And I meant no offence by that. I felt for him, felt for him in a new way. I didn’t just admire him as a soldier and friend of my uncle; I admired him for who he was, a man doing what he needs to do.  

Snake straightened himself, preparing himself for the trek ahead. “C’mon. Let’s go.” I nodded as I walked toward him, smirking at him when he decided to take out a ration and eat some. The he turned and made his way quickly to the door beyond.

It got progressively colder the closer we got to the door, and I realised why when it opened. Cold air hit us both in the face, and I fought to keep myself from shivering. Caves. There were caves out here. A howling in the distance caught my attention, and I turned to Snake. “Could there be wolves in there?”

Snake answered confidently. “Wolf-dogs. Half wolf, half husky.”  

I balanced on my other leg, appraising him with caution. “How do you know so much?”

He didn’t miss a beat. In fact, he answered my question rather proudly. “I ride dog-sleds. I’m a musher.”

I took this in slowly. _That was a fact about him, not Solid Snake_. He rides dog sleds. He knows about dogs. That was really something. Trying not to reveal my incredulity, I moved in front of him and spoke again. “I’ll take point. Snake, you follow me.” And I walked parallel the wall of the Commander’s Room, avoiding the caves entirely and finding a cave wall with a large crack down the middle. I pushed my way through the hole, just barely making it. Snake appeared and took one look at the gap, before shaking his head and moving away.

I smirked, but my small victory was short-lived; a pack of wolf-dogs approached. There were three adults and one puppy, the latter running around excitedly behind the three curious elders. I stiffened and rested my hand on my gun, ready to pull it up if need be. One of the dogs made its way carefully to where I was standing, moving slowly enough that I decided it wasn’t about to attack. It came right up to me and sniffed, then made a strange sound and sat down on its hind legs.

_It trusted me._

The other two came up to me and did the same thing, and the pup came over to play with me. I giggled a little and dropped my hand down, smiling with adoration for the small puppy that was licking my hand. More howling could be heard from the caves in front of me, and I looked up in time to see Snake crawling out from underneath a large boulder. He stood up and dusted himself off, scowling as another dog growled at him.     

I decided to bait him a bit. “Snake, what’s wrong?” His eyes met mine briefly before focusing on the dogs sitting at my feet. “I thought you were good with dogs?”  He rolled his eyes and moved passed me, opening the large cargo doors and waiting for me to come through. As much as I wanted to bring the dogs with me, I knew it would be unsafe for them (Not to mention the fact that they would slow us down), and I had a difficult time trying to get them to stay behind as we walked through.

 

* * *

 

The caves had been dark and dreary, and neither of us were prepared for the brightness beyond that door, despite the fact that night had eventually fallen. My gaze focused on the Communication’s Tower ahead of us, a big, blue building nestled into a cute alcove at the end of the long, concrete walkway. Looking down at the square in front of us, I recognised it as the square of concrete from the vision Mantis had given me.

I turned to Snake, an urgency in my voice. “This place is mined. I’ll take point again. Stay back, okay?” I could walk around the mines no problem. I knew exactly where each one was placed, and I could lead Snake safely to the other side.

He frowned, a look of disapproval crossing his features. “But the radar isn’t working. And since we can’t use the mine detector either…”

I cut him off. “Leave it to me!”

I tentatively took one step forward from where I stood, then took a sharp left turn. I moved six steps forward, my eyes looking out for the mines as I turned right for one step, then right again to walk parallel to the path I’d walked a moment before for five steps. I turned left for four steps, up toward the tower and then right five steps, then right again for six steps, forming a large square in the middle of the concrete area. I walked down toward the door we had just come through, turned left for five steps, the left again for eight steps as I avoided the last mine. I turned left for four steps, then stood casually on the other side of the square.

My description is meticulous because that was how Mantis had shown me the mines in the vision; meticulously. This was exactly how I walked through the area, by counting the steps I was taking. Turning around to face Snake, I found that the cold in the air had left a sheen of frost on the concrete that revealed my footsteps to him. I smirked.

I rested a hand on my hip as I addressed him. “So what do you think? Pretty good, huh?” I was proud. I was of value to him!

Snake seemed surprised at my actions. He looked down at the concrete where my footsteps were fading, before looking back up at me. “How did you know where the mines were?”

I tapped my head. “It sounds weird, but when Mantis dove into my mind, I was able to see where the mines were placed.” I paused a moment. I had used something that had upset me to my advantage! Snake had told me to learn from my mistakes, was this what he meant? “Are you impressed?”

He took a moment to answer, sizing me up as he fiddled with his equipment. “Well, a little bit.”

I scoffed. “Only a little?” He took out a pair of thermal goggles and put them on, looking down at the ground with interest. Then he proceeded to carefully take the mines one by one, disarming them and putting them into his ammo belt. Eventually he joined me, and we turned around to walk to the tower.

Snake suddenly tensed beside me. “Meryl…” I was about to turn toward him, when I noticed a red dot on my chest. It moved slowly to my arm, and I frowned.   

“Was is it?” The dot moved down my arm to my hand, then over to my left thigh. I gasped, realising too late what this was. Someone was aiming at me.

Snake realised this too, and moved toward me, arm outstretched. “Meryl, get down!” Just as he spoke, there was a loud clap as a trigger was pulled and a bullet lodged itself into my thigh. I screamed and fell to my knees, spinning slightly as I did, watching with relief as Snake ran and ducked behind the corner of the concrete square.

“Meryl!” His expression of horror was similar to when I nearly shot myself in the Commander’s Room under Mantis’ control. His frown deepened as I winced in pain toward him, feeling another shot enter my thigh from behind. I screamed again, falling completely onto the cold concrete. My Desert Eagle had fallen out of my belt loops and onto the concrete beside me, and I reached out to get it. _I needed to defend myself._

My left arm reached out, it was at my fingertips, when another bullet found its way into my paint tattoo, the clap of the gunshot deafening me despite the sniper being so far away. I spun around onto my back, squeezing my injured arm. The burning was spreading from the wounds throughout the rest of my body, and I wondered if it was gunpowder making its way through my bloodstream. Maybe I’d die of blood poisoning?

Another two shots were aimed at the corner where Snake watched on helplessly, and he grunted in irritation. “Snake…” I called out to him, and despite the danger he was in, he leaned around the corner to face me. “Leave me and run…”

He sounded conflicted when he spoke. I think if we weren’t in a life or death situation, I would have mocked how many times he’d spoken my name already. “Meryl…”

I laughed a little, the reality of the situation slapping me like Snake’s hand had earlier. It stung, knowing that I was obviously not ready for this. “I guess I am a rookie after all…”  

Snake was at odds at what to do, I could tell. Neither of us were prepared for this. “Don’t worry Meryl, it’s me they want.” I knew that.

I scoffed. “Even I know that. It’s the oldest trick in the book… The sniper’s using me for bait to lure you out….” The painful burning was now accompanied by a dull, pounding ache in each of my wounds. My breath was starting to catch, and I wondered if my lungs had somehow been punctured. Or was it my body’s reaction to being shot?

Snake shook his head. He knew I was right. “Damn…”

I was slowing him down. I had promised him I wouldn’t, and now here I was, dying slowly in front of him. “Shoot me… Snake.”

His face became incredulous. “No!”

I winced, my arm unresponsive. “My gun… I can’t reach it by myself….” If only I could, I would have shot myself. To save him the hassle of trying to get passed the sniper. To save him the hassle of thinking he should save me.

His voice was growling again, and he was ordering me around. “Don’t move!” I _couldn’t_ move, even if I wanted to. My arm was numb, and my leg was losing a lot of blood, from the front wound and the back wound. The cold of the concrete numbed the pain of the wound on the back of my thigh slightly, but the burn was still there.

I couldn’t let him stay here and waste time. I promised him I would help, and I decided to remind him of that. “I promised… I wouldn’t slow you down…” I took a shaky breath, “I… I… I can still… help…. I want to help you…”  

He didn’t want to hear anymore. “Quiet down, save your strength.” Save it for what? I was nothing more than bait to him now.

“I was a fool. I wanted to be a soldier. But war is ugly. There’s nothing glamourous about it.” I paused. He didn’t make a sound, but I knew he was listening to me. “Snake please save yourself. Go on living… And don’t give up on people.” A tear fell down my cheek, onto the cold concrete below me. The next words took a moment to leave my mouth, but I pushed them. One last push with the last ounce of strength I had and they were out in the open. “Don’t forget me. Now get out of here.”

He didn’t move, except to bring his hand to his codec. I couldn’t make out what was being said, but I heard Snake growling something about doing something for himself and then disconnecting the call. I counted a painful three hundred and twenty-one seconds as I waited, before I was shot again. It was a smaller bullet this time, and it barely grazed my shoulder. I still ground out a curse as it hit me, and Snake was idiot enough to move out to help me.

A bullet hit his arm and he exclaimed in pain, gripping the wound and moving back behind the wall. I frowned, annoyed that he was wasting time. “Snake, leave me.” Still, he didn’t move. “Get out of here… Snake” My vision was blurring around the edges and I realised that the lack of blood combined with the cold was dragging me into a comatose state. My eyes closed for a few seconds, and when I opened them again, I saw Snake moving slowly back toward the double doors.

I nodded solemnly as he looked toward me, a look of determination on his features. He moved through and I relaxed, allowing myself to slip back into the darkness.


	6. Drifting In and Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't remember the last time I updated this story. It might have been a week ago which is good, because I want to get into the habit of updating once a week. 
> 
> This chapter is completely new; there is no dialogue from the game itself, but there are/will be references to the actual gameplay. Any constructive criticism is appreciated!

My ears seemed to be stuffed with wool; I could hear dull sounds but nothing solid. I was still lying on the ground, freezing cold, when I made out a blurry figure. My eyes were burning. Arms wrapped around my waist and shoulders, pulling me upwards gently. I stupidly wondered who it was.

“…Snake?” It wasn’t him, I realised. This man was wearing the colour brown, and he smelled different.

_I notice how men smell now._

I shuddered at the thought, repulsed that I would pay attention to something so intimate. My head lolled backwards as I was carried. Snow was falling softly around us and onto me, I could feel the tiny patterns settling on my frozen skin. It felt like I was floating; I was clearly unused to being held like this. The last time someone carried me was…

_Before my dad left and never came back._

I tried to ignore the feeling of warm hands on my half-dead body, but became acutely aware of warm air as we entered a building. It must have been the Communications Tower. It smelled of cold and metal, and I made out a figure dressed in a khaki green uniform, same as the guards. This person had long blonde hair, and at first I thought it might have been Liquid Snake.

The voice that came from their mouth was definitely feminine, with a strong, beautiful accent. “How is she?” She sounded concerned for me. It reminded me of Snake again and I whimpered, holding onto consciousness by a thread. My mind was foggy and my vision still cloudy, but the body holding me kept me from falling from their grasp. 

The man holding me chuckled and I recognised his deep, British accent as he mocked me. “Waiting on her hero…”                

 _This_ was Liquid Snake. The man who had picked me up oh-so-gently and was currently holding me close was the _terrorist leader_. I tensed, hurting myself in the process. “I’ll have to take her to Ocelot. It was foolish to leave her out there for so long. We need her alive to lure Snake back…”

I struggled feebly in his arms. “Sna…” I tried to speak. My energy was draining too quickly, my body half frozen. Liquid laughed again and turned to the woman.

“Wolf, keep an eye out. He’ll be back, I’ll make sure of it. _Don’t_ kill him. I want him alive…”

I missed her reply as I slipped again, my vision receding into whiteness.

 

* * *

 

My eyes were forced open and a bright light flashed into them. I winced and tried to protect myself, my right arm coming up slowly to my face. A hand gripped my wrist roughly and yanked it back down, and I gasped.

“She’ll be fine. I just need to get those bullets out.” An old voice. A weathered voice. Who was this?

The hands were still around my waist, holding me carefully for the old man prodding my arm. A finger found its way into the gunshot wound in my arm. I squealed at the pain and flailed, trying to pull away.

“What did you do?” Liquid’s voice was angry. The older man panicked and moved away; I could hear his shoes clack on what seemed to be a tiled floor.

“Nothing, I was checking for the bullet!” I was dropped promptly onto a metal table and I gasped again, the pain in my leg springing back to life. My vision was still framed in a blurry white haze and I was only able to make out blurry shapes of colour.  Someone with long, white hair entered my line of vision, and their arms reached out toward me.

“Don’t panic, I’m going to help you. Now sit still and be a good girl.” This was the elderly man I had heard a few minutes ago. The words ‘good girl’ meant nothing to me here, but they reminded me of Snake. _Again_. I found myself pining for him, wanting him to protect me from these monsters.

My eyes slid shut and I fought for them to open again, feeling fingers on my thigh. My arm reached out to swat his hand, but it was caught and held. A burning throb exploded up from my thigh and I screamed, causing whoever was holding my hand to squeeze it soothingly.

“Give her a shot or something, stop her screaming.” The British accent was right above my head. I felt the slight pinch of a needle entering my good arm and I struggled, needing to escape. If I could find Snake and tell him….

“Snake! I need…” My throat hurt, my voice sounding scratchy and worn. The cold rush of fluids entering my arm shocked me and I looked at the needle, my vision clearing enough for me to see who I assumed to be Ocelot removing the needle again.

“Relax and go to sleep, girl. You’ll be fine…”

My head slumped, and the darkness already behind my eyes became darker.

 

* * *

 

I don’t know how long it had been when I woke again. My back was pressed against a soft, flat surface; I guessed it was a bed. My eyes refused to open and I lay there, arm and leg throbbing, my pulse ebbing through the bandages I could just barely make out on my limbs. There was one wrapped tightly around my arm, and another around my thigh.

Slowly, my senses returned to me, one by one. The first was touch, as I could feel gauze and bandages on my arm and thigh. My fingers brushed against soft bedsheets and I took a deep breath, wondering if it had all been a nightmare. Or better still, I had gotten out. Alive. My hair was pressed to my face, and I could feel a thin layer of sweat on my forehead. I tried to lift my arms and found that my strength was returning slowly to me, but not quick enough for me to sit up.

The second was smell. I inhaled deeply, trying to muster up the strength to open my eyes and look around. Something medicinal with a hint of a floral perfume filled my nostrils, along with the unmistakable scent of blood. My stomach curled at the coppery scent, and I held the breath I’d taken while I calmed the nausea building in my gut. The floral perfume was somehow familiar to me, and I sniffed the air carefully to figure out why it was familiar.

The third was sound. I could hear breathing in the quiet of this room, _breathing that wasn’t my own_. There was someone in here next to me, breathing _heavily_ , but in patterns. There was a small gasp and a sigh periodically, and I frowned, even in my semi-conscious state. My eyes felt as though they were welded shut, my lids too heavy for me to open.

I opened my mouth to call for help, but all that came out was a croak. My lips and tongue were dry, dry enough that I couldn’t speak. I could taste dried saliva from around my lips and I coughed. Someone brought something to my lips and instructed for me to drink, swamped in a sweet combination of wild flowers and Alaskan air.

“Trust me and drink it.” The woman. From the tower. When Liquid had first picked me up from the concrete outside it. Her accent was sweet, calming. Wolf. “You played your part perfectly, my dear. Relax now.”

_Why is everyone telling me to fucking relax?_

I forced my eyes to open, and was blinded by a circle of bright lights above me. Her head moved into my line of vision and I saw her properly for the first time; golden blonde hair framed her sallow-toned face. I pushed myself upright a little, which made her shake her head in disapproval. She moved away from me, and I heard a creak to my right.

“Where..?” I was still exhausted, my voice scratchy and thin. Looking around, I realised we were in a medical block of some sort, and Wolf was sitting on a gurney. Ocelot was sat beside her on a stool, a suture needle in hand. His only hand. There was a bloodied stump where his other hand would have been, and I winced at the thought that he had only recently lost it. I watched as she sat back and allowed him to continue sewing up a gunshot wound of her own, and she scoffed when she noticed that I was watching with interest.

“Your friend is strong indeed. I cannot wait to meet him again.” The elderly man gave her a look, and she nodded at him. “I _know_ we will fight again Ocelot. You may think he’s captured now, but snakes are never really captured, are they?”

Ocelot shook his head. “He’s locked in a cell at the moment Wolf, he’s not leaving anytime soon.” He stood when he finished, and looked to me with a wary expression evident on his features. “Keep an eye on her, I have a date with the snake.”

Wolf nodded and Ocelot left the room through the door at the end of the block. It was a very white, medicinal looking room. I was surprised it was as clean as it was, even if it was a small room. The woman next to me got down off the gurney and addressed me.

“Do not move. I will shoot you again if I have to.” _You’re the one who shot me? You’re the sniper?_  

I merely nodded in response, but decided to sit upright. Surely sitting properly didn’t count as moving? She returned from somewhere behind me with a television set on wheels. My eyes met hers as she turned it on, expertly messing with the signal to find a particular channel.

“Your friend is with Ocelot now. You should know that he has a reputation for going a little too far with his torture methods.” My heart thudded loudly in my chest. I couldn’t believe this. Snake was going to be tortured?

“Why?” My voice rasped, and Wolf looked down at the floor. She appeared to disagree with the idea of torture, which made little sense to me. Why would she help apprehend Snake if she didn’t want him hurt?

“Liquid wants information, about the negotiations. And Snake must have that information.” Deep blue eyes found mine again, a sudden softness melting into her irises. “If you have anything that could help him, you can save Snake from a world of pain. And possibly death.”

My heart palpitated as the reality of her words washed over me. If I had top-secret information, I could tell them and save Snake. _I could save Solid Snake._ But I didn’t have that information. She watched as my expression went from confused to heartbroken, and she sighed. “Ah, well never mind. I have direct feed into the torture chamber.”

_No. I couldn’t watch this._

The television screen slowly changed from white noise to picture and I could see Snake’s unconscious body being secured into a machine. He was naked from the waist up, his arms and legs pulled out from his body and strapped to the arms and legs of the torture device.

My eyes filled with tears, my arm reaching toward the screen pathetically. Wolf stood back and made no noise as I waited for Snake to open his eyes. The screen was blurry, but I could tell when he regained consciousness. His head followed Ocelot carefully, knowing not to trust him.

The sound was muffled. Ocelot was clearly talking to Snake, but I couldn’t hear what he was asking. After a few minutes, he turned around and walked toward Snake.

I knew it was pointless to shout at a television screen. I knew that Wolf was behind me, probably watching in satisfaction as I reached out toward Snake. I knew it was pointless because I shouldn’t have cared about him as much as I did. But that was the problem; I did care. The psychotherapy meant nothing to me at this point, as I could feel myself growing more and more attracted to him. And it wasn’t because of his appearance, or because of how he treated me, it was so much more than that.

Snake and Ocelot appeared to be talking to each other, with Ocelot standing in front of Snake. Wolf smirked and increased the volume on the television, so I could hear the end of their conversation. “By the way, you got an optical disk from President Baker, didn’t you?”

Snake continued to look Ocelot in the eye. “What if I did?”

Ocelot remained calm. “Is that the only disk? There’s no other data?”

At this, Snake’s eyebrows pulled together. He was clearly confused. “What do you mean?”

The whitehaired man was annoyed now. He waved both his good hand and the remains of his other hand in the air as he asked again. “There’s no copy?” Snake didn’t respond. Ocelot dismissed him and made to walk away. “If not, that’s fine…”

He began to walk back to the control panel, and Snake’s expression changed. It was soft and gentle, and his next words brought tears to my eyes yet again. “Is Meryl okay?” His question was so sweet, so caring, I felt my heart swell up and deflate in the same moment.

 _I’m okay_ I mouthed, not trusting myself to speak aloud. Snake may have seen me cry, but I refused to let anyone else see. Least of all the woman who shot me and used me as bait to capture Snake. 

Ocelot moved closer to the panel of buttons and touched a few. “She’s not dead yet. Wolf must have been feeling generous, but if you want it to stay that way, you’d better start answering my questions right now.” A shiver, cold and dangerous, made its way down my spine. _They were using me to blackmail Snake._    

Wolf scoffed at the screen, diverting my attention from their conversation. “Feeling _generous_? They know my intentions were not to kill you, we needed you alive. Stupid men…” She walked around the television, probably to turn it off, but she paused when she heard Ocelot talking again. 

“We’re going to play a game, Snake. We’ll find out what kind of man you really are; when the pain becomes too great to bear, just give up and your suffering will end; but if you do, the girl’s life is mine.”

Snake and I took a deep breath at the same moment. “Don’t do it Snake!” The outburst shocked me and I struggled, trying to get out of the bed. Wolf watched with a raised eyebrow at my display, but I ignored her. “Get out of here Snake!” My arms and legs refused to move properly, probably because of whatever medication they were giving me, and I finally stopped trying to move. 

His eyes closed and I waited, hoping for him to submit. I could handle myself, he didn’t need to go through with this. His eyes opened and locked onto Ocelot, daring him to activate the machine. Ocelot shrugged and touched more buttons on the panel, a smirk apparent on his face.

The lights in the room dipped, the screen blurred. Electric sparks, the colour of the ocean, danced along the metal around Snake’s body. His eyes widened and then shut, as he threw his head back and let out a roar that I heard perfectly. I jerked toward the television, probably tearing open my wounds, my mouth dropping open in horror.

The screen and the lights around us became brighter for a mini-second as the machine stopped electrocuting Snake, and I winced at the temporary brightness. His head lolled forwards, his chest heaving as he tried to breathe through the pain he had just experienced.

There was a thickness in my throat that left a sour taste in my mouth, and it was a few seconds later that I felt thick, hot tears rolling down my cheeks.

_Snake was going through this to save me._

I couldn’t give up on him. I had to escape, and find some way to help him.

Wolf approached me and sat down on the bed beside me, her perfume making me feel nauseous. “You cannot help him now. All you can do is keep yourself alive.” She nodded at me and I sniffed, trying to stop myself from crying. “I’ll keep an eye on him, until we battle again. I’ll let you know how he is doing. But I cannot let him live.”

She stood and walked around the bed, her arms crossed. “He keeps asking for you, the same way you keep asking for him.” My eyes remained on him as he panted as though he’d just run a marathon, after Ocelot activated the machine again. “It’s quite romantic, really. I think I’m jealous.” At this, I turned to her. She was staring into space, a blank expression on her face.

When her eyes closed and reopened, her gaze was clearer. “The guards here are pigs. Mind yourself. As long as I keep an eye on you, they won’t try anything.” I blanched. _Try anything?_ What did she mean? Surely they were better trained than _that_?

I swallowed, the taste in my mouth making me want to gag. “You’ll… Tell me how he is?” She nodded slowly. “You’ll kill him when you get the chance though?”

“I cannot let him live.” She took out a small bottle of pills from her pocket and brought it up to her mouth swiftly. There was an audible gulping sound as she twisted her neck to swallow them, and I flinched. “I need to find my dogs. They are hungry.” The bottle disappeared back into her pocket. She moved again, making her way to the gurney and picking up a syringe.

When she approached me with the syringe in hand, I backed up as much as possible on the small bed. “I’m not… Going to leave…” My voice was still rough, and I wanted another mouthful of water. “Please, Wolf…”

The corners of her mouth pulled down, her eyebrows pulling together as she assessed my reaction. “Sorry sweetheart, I cannot risk you escaping.” She grabbed my arm and I fought against her, trying to pull free. She tugged my arm down to the gurney and shoved the needle into my vein roughly, pushing the plunger just as quick.

She released my arm after removing the needle and I held the puncture, fear tainting my blood, my blood staining my fingers. “Sleep. I will come back. You are safe here.” Her voice was gentle, but I was angry. How _dare_ she?

It took a few minutes of watching her prepare herself to leave, but I felt the anaesthetic work its way into my bloodstream. My lids became heavier again, pulling downwards. I fell backwards, my spine hitting off the bed uncomfortably, and she scoffed.

For what felt like the hundredth time that day, my eyes slid shut and I slipped into unconsciousness.


	7. Crimson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suppose this chapter isn't really explicit, but I wanted to make sure there were no misunderstandings here. I have typed and retyped this chapter so many times over the past week, because I wasn't happy with each draft. I'm hoping this isn't as bad as I think it is. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for the kudos and the bookmark! It means so much to have a story that's worth reading. I think this is why I was so nervous about this chapter, because I don't want to disappoint anyone. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy the chapter!

Snake was bleeding.

His body was lying face-down on the snow-covered concrete outside the tower, a small pool of crimson forming slowly beneath him. The pool was freezing in the cool Alaskan air; I could see small crystals of ice forming on its top layer. A gasp left my mouth as I stumbled toward him, a foot or so away, when pain exploded through my thigh, accompanied by the sound of a sniper rifle. My knees hit the floor beside him as I fell, another bullet piercing my arm in the same instant.

The shots echoed through the air, so I wasn’t sure where they were from. They might have been from behind me, or in front of me, but I couldn’t be sure. I looked up and around to see where the shots came from, and saw Liquid Snake strolling leisurely toward us from the Communications Tower, a smirk on his face.

Panic filled my frozen limbs; my arms reached out to Snake to try to rouse him, to get him to move; but his body was already frozen solid. I stilled, my heart slowing down to the point where I was sure it would simply stop, and stared at Snake in shock. Liquid squatted near Snake’s head, his hand moving into Snake’s dark locks, and pulling him sharply upwards. His eyes were still open, his mouth ajar; his pained features etched permanently onto his handsome face.

Realisation hit me with a force so hard it felt like a slap to my gut: Snake was somehow _dead_. I screamed and grabbed onto him, shaking him roughly, moving my hands to his chest to bring him back. Liquid’s boot made contact with my face and I fell onto my side, my vision fading, while Snake’s face stared back at me in disappointment.

 

* * *

 

My eyes opened at the same time my mouth did, my scream breaking the silence in the dark cell I found myself inside. Sitting up and looking around, I saw that there was no snow, no blood, only the stained bedsheets and mouldy walls of the cell that I was held in several hours ago.

_They moved me back here._

And they had changed the guard on duty. I stood quickly and moved to the window in the door, looking out to see a new guard sitting on the swivel chair from the office across from my cell. I frowned, wondering how I could possibly escape.  

_I can’t get out of here now. They’ve probably warned each other about me._

I sighed and moved away from the door, looking down at myself. The bandages were still on my arm and thigh, with blood spotting on each one. _Damn bastards didn’t bother to change them._ I understood that this wasn’t a hospital, but even so. My stomach growled and I winced, hunger making me feel slightly nauseous. When was the last time I’d eaten? When was the _launch_? How long had I wasted being unconscious?

There was a noise from outside, and as I turned around to investigate, I noticed the guard from outside was at the door, peering in the small window. “Ah, you’re awake.” I refrained from snapping back at him, and simply stared. His voice sounded _interested_ , but _interested_ in a vulgar manner. Wolf’s warning echoed in my mind as I appraised him.

_“The guards here are pigs. Mind yourself. As long as I keep an eye on you, they won’t try anything.”_

_But where are you now, Wolf?_ My eyes narrowed. _How long had she left me here with this guy? Anything could have happened…_

“Here, you hungry?” A ration fell through the window as his voice broke my train of thought. “A present from Sniper Wolf.” My eyes followed it, then looked back up at the masked man in front of me. “Silent type, huh?” He shrugged. “Whatever.”

He disappeared from the window and I snuck over carefully toward the door, to pick up the ration. I needed to keep my strength up. Snake was still alive, I knew it, and I agreed with Wolf; they would fight again. And Snake would kill her.

I perched myself on the edge of the grotty bed and opened the tin. It tasted like cardboard, of course, but I forced myself to continue eating. Looking up at the air vents, I wondered if I could escape through them. Snake snuck in that way, surely I could sneak out?

Remembering the way I first met Snake, I stopped chewing and stared at the vent. I had held him up, but he didn’t care. He never worried about being killed in action, or being seen by the enemy. He dealt with it. The image of him being strapped to the machine and electrocuted brought tears to my eyes and I wiped them away, confused at myself. _What was happening to me?_ A sinking feeling flooded my stomach. _Was Mantis right? Did Snake hold a bigger place in my heart than I thought?_

Snake’s voice wormed its way into my thoughts. _“Never doubt yourself. Just let it make you stronger. Learn something from it.”_

I was getting distracted. I needed to escape and somehow find Snake. The vents. _I could push through the grate and work my way outside, then I could…_

Before I could climb up to investigate the reinforced metal, the door opened and the guard stood in the doorway, a smirk on his face. “Ocelot wants to talk to you, now that you’re up and walking again.” _Talk to me? About what?_ The soldier moved closer, his FAMAS held oddly. I realised too late that he meant to hit me with the butt of the gun and I dropped to the floor as it connected with my temple.

I didn’t fully fall unconscious this time, but I wasn’t able to defend myself. Arms wrapped up under my armpits, his hands cupping me just under my breasts as he dragged me from the room. My view was blurred as we moved backwards from the room, down the hall from the cell block into the unmarked door near the elevator. Inside, I recognised the room that Snake had been tortured within, and I quickly realised that I was probably going to suffer the same fate.

 _“Ocelot wants to talk”, yeah,_ sure _he does._

The guard from before was standing behind us as the guard holding me propped me into the machine. I fought against them, ignoring the fact that they could hit me again. The metal tightened uncomfortably around my appendages and I stilled, the pain confusing me enough to stop moving. Eventually, they stood away and I was held upright by the grips on my wrists and ankles. Ocelot walked into my line of vision, and I waited for him to speak, to give me the same warning as he gave Snake. I wanted him to give me the opportunity to help Snake escape.

He didn’t.

Ocelot stood rigidly beside the control panel, his bloodied stump stealing my attention. My mind wandered and pondered how he had lost it. Perhaps it was a machine error? He had to fix Metal Gear and got his hand caught? Or maybe….

“Snake is proving a little... _Difficult_ to get information from.” His voice dragged my attention up from his hand (or lack thereof) to his face and I stared directly into his dirty grey eyes.  Slight movement from outside the room caught my eye and I inclined my head, looking through the windows into another room. I could see Snake’s unconscious body twitching on a thin bed, in what looked like a prison cell on the other side of the windows. Ocelot’s slow drawl tore my gaze from Snake’s body, and I steeled myself, feeling more determined than ever to help Snake. “I’m hoping _you’re_ a little more helpful.”

My eyes narrowed. “I haven’t _any_ information for you.”

Ocelot shook his head, waving his hand(s) in the air in confusion. “You must have spoken to Snake at some point.” _Yeah, about war and his lack of family._

I merely shook my head again, waiting for him to continue speaking. After a stagnant pause, I realised he was waiting for me to speak, eyebrow raised, and I sighed with irritation. “We didn’t talk about anything. I opened a cargo door for him and went with him as far as the Commander’s Room, but we didn’t talk along the way.”

Now it was his turn for his eyes to narrow. “You’re lying.”

He turned quick as anything, pressing a number of buttons on the panel. Electricity flooded my entire body like white lightning, starting from my arms and legs, dragging quickly and slowly simultaneously to my torso. I couldn’t help but scream, the pain a million times worse than the gunshots I had suffered at the hands of Sniper Wolf.

The pain reminded me of the time in training when I had accidently touched off an electric wire in a training field. The pain moved from my hand to my elbow and I had pulled back in shock, my arm tingling afterwards with an odd sensation that I couldn’t fully describe. This was the exact same, except it was throughout my entire body, not just my arm.

The pain moved fast as lightning through my nervous system, but the dull aching feeling moved much slower. It felt like it lasted years, but it was probably only a minute, maybe less. My head fell forward onto my chest, my forehead sticky with sweat, my arms and legs exhausted. Ocelot scoffed at me. “That was barely a tickle girl, you’ve got to be a lot stronger than that.”

My breathing was irregular, shallow. I steadied myself, breathing in long and deep, trying to calm myself down a little.

_Be strong, keep pushing._

I held my breath for a second, then exhaled slowly. “It doesn’t matter how much you torture me, Snake and I still won’t have talked.” I could feel his stare, but I refused to look up. My eyes had glued themselves to the floor in the small room, not wanting to look at his dark grey irises. They promised evil, and I didn’t like them.

Blue eyes came to mind and my own slid closed, remembering how close Snake and I had been for me to see the perfect blue of his irises. They were old eyes, weathered by the sight of a thousand deaths, but they still held hope, compassion. Even when I had held him up outside in the cell block that first time, his eyes never wavered. He knew I wouldn’t shoot him, he just _knew_. And I could tell from his stare that he had known.

I missed Snake so much. I didn’t want him to die.

I heard Ocelot pressing more buttons and felt the sting of electricity flowing through my nerves once again. I kept from yelling for a moment or so, not wanting to give him the satisfaction, but I eventually gave in and my mouth opened slightly, pulling a scream through gritted teeth as I fought against the pain shocking my system.

“The card keys. You gave one to Snake, where are the others?” Over the high-pitch of the machine, I could hear Ocelot’s scratchy voice and I forced myself to look up at him. The pain ended, the room suddenly painfully quiet, and I managed to smirk a little at him.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

 

* * *

 

I’m not sure when or how, but I must have blacked out during the torture. There were sounds but no images in my dream, which makes me wonder even to this day if I had been imagining things; I remember the soldier from outside my cell talking to the first guard who had been in charge of me, but they appeared to be arguing as we moved down the hall.

“You’re dragging her, at least carry her!” The one from before. He’d been a little simple if I’m honest, watching me with big, hopeful, _interested_ eyes through the window in the door. But it wasn’t the same interest as the other guard with me. This first guard had been interested at the exercises I’d been doing, even going as far as asking me what my usual regime was.

We’d had conversations, short but interesting, as we both waited for orders that neither of us really wanted. I knew his name was Johnny Sasaki, and I also knew that he had been recruited along with a couple of others on the island at the beginning of the revolt. I didn’t think he was a Genome Soldier. He was constantly ill in some form or another.

I woke up properly in my cell, but it felt like I was adrift on a boat in the sea. I was swaying slightly, which made no sense as I was lying on my stomach on a sturdy bed. And it wasn’t vertigo, this was _real_ swaying.

My arms and legs were numb, but were slowly recovering their feeling as I swayed. There was a distant ringing in my ears that was easing as I recovered consciousness and I heard _breathing_ in my right ear.

Short, raspy breathing. Shallow breathing, in time with the swaying motion that I was experiencing.

I opened my eyes and tried to push myself up from the bed, but a _hand caught my head and shoved it back into the pillow beneath me._

“Lie still.”

A gritted voice, a voice that was strained. Was that… The guard from outside? Why was he on top of me? I could suddenly feel his body pressed against mine; his hands on one of my breasts, the other on my head; in the same instant, I realised what was happening.

“Get the fuck off of me!” I pushed upwards and he fell backwards, the shock of having me push against him knocking his balance. I looked down at myself, and found that I was still wearing my clothes. _Dirty bastard was just grinding against me_. But that was equally as violating as what he _could_ have been doing.

His expression changed, from confusion to anger, and I prepared myself to fight against him. He lunged and grabbed me around my throat, cutting off my air. I struggled, too exhausted to properly defend myself, and he bent me over the side of the bed. His fingers made contact with my stomach as he forced my belt off of my jeans and used it to tie my hands to the legs of the metal frame.

“I was going to be _nice_ …” I kicked at him, the use of the word nice meaning anything but the definition in this context. He kicked the back of my legs and I fell onto my knees. “…But you’re being troublesome. Guess I need to show you who’s in charge.”

My jeans were dragged down, along with my underwear, and I choked on air with fear. I heard him open the front of the uniform and I screamed at him to leave me alone, to get away, but he ignored me. I pulled at the belt, willing it to loosen or to fall from my wrists, but it didn’t. He pulled my thighs apart and pushed against me, but didn’t penetrate me.

The swaying motion returned as he started grinding himself against my naked flesh and my face was pushed back into the bed, my exclamations of disgust muffled in the filthy bedsheets. With my hands tied, I couldn’t pull away or swot him off. It was awkward and uncomfortable, and _filthy_.

“There aren’t… A lot… Of women… Here… On the island…” His voice was in my ear as he moved, alternating from loud to quiet as he moved backwards and forwards. I rested my forehead on the bed as best as I could, trying to think of anything to distract myself.

He started moving faster and I tensed, knowing what this meant. I wondered how long he had been grinding on me while I was unconscious, but it was obvious that he had been close to climax when I pushed him off.

He sped up a little more, before he let out an odd noise and ejaculated _on my back_. Humiliated, I waited for him to untie my hands before I stood up and slapped him hard across the face. Harder than I had slapped anybody ever.

“You’re a sick fucker.” His expression was incredulous as I collapsed onto the bed, my head resting in my hands. He didn’t say a word as he cleaned himself up a little, zipping back up the uniform and leaving the cell again.

Tears stung my eyes as I tried to calm myself. The realisation hit me that his semen was still on my back and I flinched, standing up quickly and stumbling to the sink in the room. I could feel eyes on me, but I didn’t care anymore, pulling my vest off completely before turning on the faucet and grabbing a small dirty cloth. I washed my back as best as I could, then carefully between my legs, wincing at the discomfort.

It reminded me a little of when I’d lost my virginity the year before, in an old car during a house party in high school. It wasn’t an entirely pleasant experience either, and was the main reason why I opted for the psychotherapy when offered the chance. The cold water helped to wake me a little more, and I vowed to kill him the next chance I got.

I finished washing myself as best I could and redressed, turning around and seeing the back of the guard’s head through the window. My feet crept forward slowly, my fingers twitching as I planned how to kill him. I knocked someone out with my hands before, killing someone would be just as simple. I’d just need to hold him tighter and wait for him to spasm a few times. They always spasm when you choke them to death.

Just as I reached the door, he turned around and I froze, my eyes making contact with Sasaki’s. We stared at each other for a long moment, before he spoke timidly. “He’s gone. I sent him over to the torture room.”

I nodded, my voice lost as I thought this over. It took a moment, but I eventually found the strength to speak. “Thanks, I suppose…” It was the only response I could give, but he accepted it graciously. He nodded in return and turned around, facing out into the cell block. It looked like he was _protecting_ me rather than _guarding_ me, and I felt a little safer. Only a little.  

Sitting on the edge of the bed again, I looked down at the floor and saw the discarded ration tin that I had dropped earlier. I bent a little and picked it up, inspecting it thoroughly in my sudden boredom. As I flipped it over, I noticed a piece of paper stuck to the underside of the tin and I paused a second, before taking it off and opening it up.

          _Snake escaped. Travelled up the first tower and defeated the Hind D._

_I will meet him in the Snow Field past the second tower._

Who had left this note here? The ration was a gift from Wolf, that’s what _he_ had said earlier, so it was hers? That made sense. She _had_ told me that she would keep me informed of Snake's whereabouts. But the Hind D? Wasn’t that Liquid’s? Had he _defeated_ Liquid? The last words on the scrap of paper had me worried though. Sniper Wolf would meet him in the snow field.

That meant she was going to try to kill him.


	8. Toyed with like a Doll

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have finished this story! The next chapter will be the last! (Don't worry, it's a little longer to compensate)
> 
> And more news! I've decided to write a sequel! So we all know that Snake and Meryl apparently live together in Alaska before Snake leaves and joins Otacon, but we don't see this happening after Shadow Moses and before the Big Shell. My sequel will follow immediately after Snake and Meryl escape, and will finish when Snake leaves several months later. I'm two chapters in already ^.^ 
> 
> Thank you all so much to those who have left kudos on this! It means so much to me! It also helps me to update as regularly as possible!

Sasaki stayed dutifully outside my cell until he received orders to bring me back to Ocelot. His expression was less than impressed at the news, but he allowed me to walk myself to the torture room. I knew there was no point in attempting to escape, and he was able to detect that. We didn’t talk since the awkward moment in the cell, but when we entered the torture chamber and saw the other guard, Sasaki stood a little more defensively in front of me.

Ocelot was standing near the machine control panel, and smirked a little when he saw me. “So, you’ve had a little more time to think over whether you and Snake discussed the launch.”

I smirked in return, ignoring Sasaki as he led me over to and secured my wrists and ankles into the machine. “Yeah, we still haven’t spoken. You’re wasting your time.” The door to our left opened as I spoke, and Liquid marched in. He was livid, the anger permeating off him tainting the already tense atmosphere in the relatively small room.

He was already mid-rant when he walked in, but we could clearly guess who and what he was talking about. “…takes down my chopper, and then kills Wolf. We need him to stop!” My heart slowed. _He was talking about Snake_. “He’s moving too fast, too soon. And we still don’t have a way to activate Metal Gear.” Snake was alive? He defeated Sniper Wolf? I couldn’t contain the grin that spread across my face in relief. Sasaki moved away when he finished, keeping a close eye on the other soldier in the room.

Liquid and Ocelot were talking quietly in the corner of the room, near the control panel. Ocelot’s slow drawl was quiet, but I could still hear him. “Boss… He might prove useful after all…” Liquid’s eyes narrowed, but Ocelot continued talking. “If he uses the PAL cards, he can activate it for us. He thinks we already have the codes, so he’s going to use the cards to deactivate Metal Gear.”

Liquid smirked. “Yes… That will work perfectly.” His hand squeezed into a fist and he nodded at Ocelot. “He can find the other two keys, and then he can figure out the trick to using them.” He turned and walked away from Ocelot, folding his arms. “I found Wolf in the Snow Field, just beyond the second Communication’s Tower. Had her handker on her face.”

Ocelot frowned. “Sounds like he was merciful to her, in a way. I wonder why.” Both of them looked to me as he said that, and I met their gazes evenly. “I’m pretty sure Raven wants to have another round with him. He told me he was going to meet Snake underground somewhere.”

He was speaking to me, trying to curb a reaction from me. I scoffed, and Liquid smirked at my response. “Snake isn’t playing around, he’s on a mission…”

“On a mission to save _you_ , girl.” Ocelot interrupted me and I paused, my jaw slipping open slightly in surprise. “It appears that Snake is now hell-bent on getting you back, as well as stopping the launch.”

“All the more reason for us to eliminate him before he does either.” Liquid finished his train of thought. Were it not for my confusion, I would have mocked their budding romance, but I refrained as I thought over what they had said. In the corner of my eye, I saw Sasaki grab his stomach in what I assumed to be pain and he sprinted to another door in the room. It opened into a small bathroom, and I shook my head. Poor guy.

Ocelot resumed his stance by the control panel and Liquid stood beside him, arms still folded neatly under his pectoral muscles. I could appraise him properly now, having been unable to when I was first approached by him and then half-dead in his arms.

He was wearing nothing more than a brown trench coat that fell to just above his ankles, and a pair of khaki trousers. His undeniably defined chest was clearly visible under the trench, and as I mentioned earlier, his pectoral muscles were on show. His eyes were blue, as blue as Snake’s, but his hair was bright blond; hair that reached as far as his shoulders.  He spoke with a British accent, an accent that was completely opposite to Snake’s low American accent.

Ocelot was another person entirely. I knew from his voice that he was a weathered old man, but I genuinely didn’t know just _how_ old. His hair was white, his face long and drawn, with wrinkles adorning every crevice. His grey eyes promised death and suffering; the odd suit he was wearing was dated and worn. His white shirt was stained with blood in places, especially around the stump that remained of his right hand. His cravat was red, and his waistcoat was a deep navy; in short, he looked completely out of place here.

During my inspection of the pair, Liquid and Ocelot had moved closer together to talk quietly. Liquid suddenly exclaimed and looked down, irritation marring his otherwise handsome features.

_You only think he’s handsome because he looks like Snake._

I suppressed a groan at the realisation, and inclined my head to listen to what had annoyed Liquid. “Damn him anyway! Raven’s mini-gun was found in a puddle of blood in one of the underground passages!” His azure eyes found mine and he scowled, before smirking. “Looks like you were right…”

I smirked back, trying to ignore the fact that these beautiful eyes didn’t belong to the man in front of me. The colour was the same, but the depth behind them was completely different to Snake’s. Liquid’s eyes were cold and calculating, sizing you up and plotting how to bring you down. Snake wanted to bring me up, which is exactly what he did in the brief few hours I had been in contact with him. “I told you, Snake isn’t playing around.”

Liquid looked me up and down, his eyes narrowing with confusion. His eyebrows pulled together and I tilted my head in response, waiting for him to voice his inner dilemma. He finally spoke, his voice cold and disinterested. “What _does_ he see in you?”

It was my turn to frown. I was certain that Snake was only trying to save me for my uncle, but Liquid’s words had me think back over everything else I’d been told. Snake had been _asking_ for me, demanding to know if I was alright. Liquid and Ocelot, and indeed Sniper Wolf, all thought that Snake was _interested_ in me, enough to want to save me on his own terms.

As I hung on the machine thinking this over, something else occurred to me; when I had been shot by Wolf, Snake had spoken to someone on his codec briefly before eventually leaving as I had instructed him to do. But there was something I’d heard him say that didn’t really make sense until now:

_“I’m gonna save Meryl for myself.”_

My body felt both cold and warm simultaneously. _Did he mean it like that? Was he really interested in keeping me alive? For himself? Or was it to prove that he is more than just a killer?_

_Or maybe I hadn’t heard him right? Maybe he’d said something else, and in my dazed state, I didn’t fully hear him. No, but that would contradict what everyone else here has been saying…_

I was too confused, too conflicted, that when Ocelot asked me a question it barely registered in my ears. Pain sparked through my body like a wildfire, spreading from the metal clasps around my hands and feet to the rest of my body. I was taken off guard, so my scream was high-pitched and ugly. When the machine finally stopped, I noticed Liquid staring at me with a grin stretched across his face. It really didn’t suit him.

“I asked you something girl, you’d better start talking.” Ocelot’s eyes were narrow and shrewd, and I sighed between breathing in deep gulps of air. “What is the trick behind the keys?”

“I don’t know. Baker didn’t tell me about any tricks.” And that was the truth. Liquid didn’t believe me, as his eyes narrowed and his eyebrows pulled together.

He moved toward me, like a feline stalking its prey, his arms now unfolded and in the pockets of his trousers. His coat hit against the back of his legs and I winced, the noise similar to a plastic bag dancing on a strong gale. His face was just inches from mine when he stopped moving, his hand leaving his pocket to stroke my cheek.

“I’m sure if Snake was the one asking, you’d tell him everything.”

I frowned, not wanting to admit that he was right. Apparently, my reaction proved him to be correct and he threw his head back, laughing in an ugly manner. When his eyes connected with mine again, I could see the smallest amount of compassion there, hidden under the animosity of his cold blue irises.

“What if I told you he was right outside this door?” My heart slowed down and my breathing sped, my head turning to look at the door to the torture room. _No, he was lying. Lying to get me to speak. I couldn’t do that._

_“If you’re gonna doubt yourself, I’ll leave you here.”_

Again, Snake’s words in his deep, grisly voice flooded my thoughts. _Then leave me here_ I thought in response, my eyes locking onto the number painted hastily on the door. I _was_ doubting myself, of course. I was a hostage, a captive of the enemy. How could I _not_ doubt myself?

Liquid gripped my jaw and dragged my face in his direction, tearing me from my thoughts. “Would you answer to Snake?”

I closed my eyes. “If I knew the answers, then yeah, I would.” Might as well be honest. I wouldn’t be surprised if the machine had a built-in lie-detector. When my eyes opened again, Liquid was looking me up and down, his eyes showing that _interest_. I still felt grotty from the other guard, though I was proud of myself for holding myself together.  

“I daresay I look a bit like my brother, don’t I?” This pulled a small gasp from me, a gasp that amused Liquid. His hand was still clenched uncomfortably around my lower jaw, but this he released as his gaze continued to travel south. “We don’t sound very similar, and our hair colour is different, but our… _Features_ are the same.”

I didn’t trust myself to speak. Liquid scoffed as his hands suddenly gripped my waist, his fingers prodding my hipbones. “He kept asking for you, while he was here. ‘Is Meryl okay’ or ‘Where is she’ and things like that.” My eyes met his and I waited for more, my eyebrow raising with what I hoped looked like indifference. The smirk on his face was alarming to say the least, but I didn’t know what had caused it until he mentioned it. “Meryl, you’re blushing.”

The hot flush that travelled from my neck to my face as he spoke confirmed what I was dreading, and I turned my head away, unable to look him in the eye again. Ocelot and the other guard, and Sasaki, were long forgotten as Liquid toyed with my feelings in an attempt to fluster me enough to speak. I took in a deep breath, trying to even out my heart rate, only just realising that it was racing.

“Meryl? Are you going to talk to me?” His fingers were still probing my hips and I breathed out, a little unevenly. “Don’t we look alike? We’re twins you know.” I closed my eyes again and bit back a curse, thinking over my options.

_“If you lose, you’re worm food.”_

It was a crude comment that Snake had made, but it reminded me of where I was, who was in front of me. My thoughts were a lot clearer, and I turned my head to face Liquid. “Go fuck yourself.” He laughed again, manically, as he threw back his head in amusement.

His hands were suddenly on my breasts, kneading them gently through my thin vest. I squeaked and struggled in protest, my anger coming to a boiling point. “Get your fucking hands off of me!”

Liquid smirked, looking back at the other guard. “I see what you meant when you described her as feisty.” His attention came back to me as his head tilted a little, a grin on his face. “And now I see why Snake likes you.”

I couldn’t move from his grasp, the metal clasps of the machine holding me completely still as Liquid violated me. I felt nauseous, bile rising up my throat as I realised my body was reacting to his touch.

_No!_

I was disgusted at myself. Why was I reacting? I gritted my teeth and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to ignore as Liquid leaned in closer and whispered my name into my ear. “Snake isn’t coming back for you. I’m going to kill him after he activates Metal Gear.”

I opened my eyes and glared at him. “He’s going to kill you. I know he will.” I was bluffing and my voice was shaky, but Liquid didn’t seem to notice. He met my glare, then smirked _again_.

“Ocelot, I think she wants to talk to _you_ again.” He moved away as Ocelot moved into my line of vision.

“Ready to talk?” I shook my head at his question, clenching my fists as he reactivated the machine.

 

* * *

 

When it was finally time for me to be taken out of the machine and brought back to my cell, Liquid held up a hand to Sasaki and the other soldier. “I’ve got this. I’m moving her to the other side of the base. I’ll need her close.” They nodded, and Liquid wrapped his arms carefully around me as they unclasped the metal around my wrists and ankles.

We made it just outside the room when I shouted for Snake the first time. Liquid laughed at me, clearly amused that I believed what he had said earlier. He brought his lips to my ear, and whispered delicately; “He isn’t anywhere near here.”

I sulked and drooped in his arms, my limbs exhausted from the torture. Liquid seemed to notice this and held me a little closer to his chest, which made me more than uncomfortable. He carried me as far as the elevator and placed me gently on my feet, holding my shoulder when he noticed me swaying on my numb legs. “Falling for me already?” I ignored his scoff, trying my best to focus on what was happening.

_We’re moving to where Metal Gear is. Why? Would I get an answer from Liquid if I asked? Or would he do something else to me?_

I pondered this as the elevator arrived and I practically fell inside, Liquid holding me as I did. When the pull of the elevator threw my balance, I landed on his chest again and he struggled to hold back a smart comment. I pushed off of him and leaned against the opposite wall quickly, meeting his gaze as evenly as I could. “Why are we going to Metal Gear?”

Liquid flicked his hair out of his face and looked at the door of the elevator, his stance powerful and his arms folded. “Your _beloved_ is going to activate Metal Gear for us.” I blushed at his words, and this seemed to annoy Liquid. His eyes narrowed in disgust. “What do you _see_ in him?”

“What?” I blurted, without meaning or wanting to. His question confused me. Liquid shook his head angrily, before pressing the emergency button. The elevator shuddered to a stop, and I held on as best I could to the railing on the walls.

“What. Do. You. See. In. Him?” I froze, watching as he walked slowly toward me. _Oh god no._ Whatever he couldn’t do to me in front of Ocelot and his men, he could definitely do to me now in the safety of the elevator. _And I wasn’t strong enough now to fight him off._

I pressed up against the wall behind me as he loomed over me. I didn’t know how to answer his question, purely because I didn’t know the answer myself.

What _did_ I see in him?

He had admitted to me that he loved war and that he didn’t fight for the people to give them a voice, but rather to have an excuse to fight; told me that he had never had an interest in anyone’s life; he had no family, but had been raised by many people…. And he red dog sleds. He was a musher.

I was getting distracted, thinking about him. Liquid’s hands had come up to grip my waist and I looked down at his fingers, gripping my hips uncomfortably. When his eyes found mine again, they were full with undiluted anger. And jealousy.

I frowned as I realised this. Why was he jealous? Liquid spoke again before I could, and I blanched. “Did he _please_ you while you were together? Maybe that’s why you know nothing, he was too busy fucking around inside your jeans!”

“He did nothing!” My face flushed red in embarrassment and anger at his accusation, but he interpreted my reaction as proving his statement to be true.

He slapped me, open handed, across the face, and I fell to the floor of the elevator. The sting in my cheek was long forgotten when his foot connected with my stomach and I dry-heaved, my arms moving slowly up to my torso to hold myself. He kicked me again and again, until I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore.

“I’m going to _kill_ him.” His voice was muffled and hazy, my ears unable to hear him clearly. I reached out toward nothing, my hand opening as I replied.

“Not… Snake…”


	9. Resurfacing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A HUGE thank you to all who stuck around for this chapter! And thank you, Rave, for commenting; you reassured me when I was worried about that last chapter. Your advice and support has been invaluable! I'm so sorry for the wait in updates, I do try to update regularly, I swear!! 
> 
> So this is the long-awaited final chapter. I am in the process of writing the sequel to this story, and I can't wait to start posting it. It will be a little more intimate than I Am A Soldier, mostly because they won't be in a life-death situation. 
> 
> Again, a HUGE thank you to those who left kudos, they made my day! Enjoy this last chapter (Sob sob) and I'll hopefully see you all in the sequel!

“Meryl!”

It was a shout, a faint shout, something that seemed so far away while also so painfully close. I was on the verge of consciousness, and I panicked to think that I was still with Liquid. Someone gripped my shoulders and shook me gently, whispering to me as I slowly woke. “Meryl?”

As I broke through each layer of unconsciousness, a sigh left my mouth. My arms and legs were exhausted, my head aching, but I felt safe in this person’s arms. The voice that had both shouted and then whispered suddenly registered in my mind, and I recognised it as… “Snake? Is that you?” My eyes slid open carefully, and I froze. _It was him_. I pushed myself upwards and threw my arms around his neck, ignoring the pain in my muscles at the action. “Snake, oh you’re alive! Thank God!”

He seemed taken aback, and tensed as I hugged him tightly. His bare skin was warm under my fingertips, his muscles thick and strong. I felt his arms twitch as he deliberated touching me in return, a question on his lips. “Meryl?” I’d _missed_ hearing him say my name, oh god.  “Meryl, are you okay?”

I paused. That was anti-climactic. “Are you okay? Is that all you can say?”

He paused, his eyebrows pulling downwards. It aged him, and I didn’t like the expression on his face. “Meryl… it must have been terrible…“

I shook my head, wanting to alleviate some of the guilt he was feeling. “Oh, it wasn’t that bad. I didn’t give in to the torture.”

His expression changed to despair and I gulped a little. He repeated what I has just said, equally as horrified as I was to be treated the way I was. “Torture?”  

I sucked in a breath, thinking of the guard and Liquid’s actions. “And things even worse than that…” He didn’t question me on that, so I continued talking. “I was fighting too. Just like you.” Even if I was stuck a cell or a torture machine the entire time.

His face softened, a tinge of pride in his tone as he responded. “You’re a strong woman.”  

I nodded, a smile breaking free on my face. “Fighting them made me feel closer to you. I felt like you were there with me.” _I started thinking of the words of advice you had given me before I was captured._ “It gave the strength to go on. But I was scared…”

 _I didn’t want you to die._  

Snake’s eyes dropped, landing awkwardly on my chest. His expression was sombre, and I immediately felt guilty for saying anything. “I’m sorry…”  

I couldn’t quite tell him how I felt, but I didn’t want him to apologise. “Don’t say that! But it made me realise something… during all the pain, and shame, there was one thing I was sure of… a single hope that I held onto… and that hope kept me alive.” I paused. I couldn’t tell him that I loved him; that would be inappropriate at a time like this. But I needed him to know that the reason why I fought was _him_. “Snake… I wanted… To see you again.”

His eyes pulled me in closer to him, a deep blue set into a face covered in dirt, cuts and bruises. Was it my imagine, or was he moving his face closer to mine? Did I feel his hands graze my waist? He whispered my name again, making the moment even more surreal. “Meryl…”

Just as our lips were about to touch, a miniscule beeping interrupted us. His eyes widened as it beeped, and I pulled back a little. “That’s my codec.” He answered as I stood back and away, giving him space to talk. I wasn’t listening in, but when he mentioned Hal Emmerich’s nickname, I wondered where he was. If he was _safe_.  

Snake finished his call and turned to me. “Let’s get the hell outta here.” The conversation hadn’t even been two minutes long, but I could see Snake was battling something, his expression sombre.

I shook my head, motioning toward him with my hand. “What about _him_? Where’s Otacon?” 

Snake straightened himself as he chose his words carefully. I could tell from the way his eyes dimmed that _this_ was what was bothering him, and I waited patiently for his reply. “He’s… he’s… Fighting right now. With his old self. To be the man he wants to be.”

That couldn’t be the only thing he was doing. Snake wouldn’t feel this strongly for someone who was fighting their inner demons. That was too simple, too personal. “He’s fighting for us too?” Snake’s determination reappeared and relief washed over me.  

“Yeah, and I don’t want it to be in vain.”  

“Me too.” And that was the truth. I didn’t know the engineer that well, but it was obvious that Snake did. Whatever made Snake happy was going to make me happy. Snake nodded and then turned around, inspecting whatever we were standing on before jumping down gracefully. I looked around myself and realised that we were standing on Metal Gear.

_He did it. He took down Metal Gear._

As I looked over the edge to see where Snake had gotten to, I found him standing directly below me. He called up to me softly; “Meryl…”; not a demand, but an invitation, and I didn’t hesitate in jumping over the edge to be caught by him. 

The wind flying past my ears was nothing compared to when I fell comfortably into Snake’s waiting arms. Unlike Liquid’s, they held me close in an intimate way, so close and yet not close enough. My eyes found his and again, like before, he pulled me closer, and I couldn’t help but whisper his name. “Snake…”  

His eyes narrowed, but not in anger, and my name fell from his lips for probably the hundredth time that day. “Meryl…” I decided that no matter how many times this man said my name, I would jump for him every time.

He was leaning toward me and I was leaning toward him, my arms around his neck and his arms around my waist and knees, holding me upright when I clearly didn’t need to be held, but because he _wanted_ to hold me he held me and it was so perfect in its own way. We were millimetres apart when a tremor hit, a tremor that reminded me of when I was in the hangar, and we both pulled away awkwardly. Snake looked up toward the ceiling. “It’s started.” Of course, the bombs he’d mentioned to Otacon.

I suddenly felt embarrassed to have been in his arms for so long. “I… must be heavy…”

Snake ignored my comment, either to avoid telling me how heavy I was, or to tell me off for making stupid comments. His own reply was a lot more direct and I wasn’t prepared for it. “Looks like we’re not gonna have a love scene after all.”  

I could do nothing else but agree, my own embarrassment creating an awkward tension between us. “Looks that way. Too bad.” He had me on my own two feet in seconds, ready to escape.

“Let’s get out of here.”

I looked him up and down, pointedly looking at his naked torso as I did. It didn’t matter what Liquid said about them looking the same, Snake with his shirt off was much more appealing than Liquid with his shirt off. But he’d still feel the cold, and so would I. “Snake, its freezing outside. You need some clothes.”

He looked around before spotting something under the remains of the Metal Gear. “There’s my sneaking suit!”

“Hurry up.” He ran over to wherever he had been looking before, and I turned to run toward the door Otacon had described to Snake. Finding a locker and opening it, I managed to find an orange sleeveless jacket. It wasn’t much, but it would have to do. I moved to the doorway and saw Snake zipping up his suit. “Hurry!” He nodded and finished, jogging over to the door. I appraised him fully when he reached me, and he _posed_ , much to my amusement. “Looking _good_ , Snake.”  

We both ran out of that hangar, just barely making it outside the door before the room behind us collapsed into a pile of broken concrete and metal beams. I turned to Snake in shock, seeing the carnage left behind. “Hurry!” And then I was jogging into the next room, finding what looked like a parking garage full of small jeeps.

As Snake followed me inside, I turned to him proudly. “I’ll drive!” Before I could make my way to one of the jeeps, I heard the tell-tale beeping of a security camera and I cursed. This would make things awkward.  “Damn, a surveillance camera!”

Soldiers with FAMASs followed us into the room, and I ran to the first jeep I saw. Searching the dash, cursed when I realised there were no keys. “Damn, no keys!” I looked up to see if Snake had heard me and I saw that he was struggling with the guards in the room. He hadn’t any of his weapons with him and was trying to strangle them, having nothing else to use against them. I moved to the other jeep in the room, one that had an automatic gun on the back and searched the dash of that one.

“All right, keys!” I sat in and turned it, but the damn jeep wouldn’t start at first. Snake had moved over toward me as he held a guard, waiting for me to tell him to get in. The engine finally caught and the jeep started, and I turned toward Snake. “I got it, Snake! Jump in!” 

I moved the jeep forward so that he could get into the back and use the gun, and he shot down several guards that had run into the garage. The door leading out wasn’t open, and there was nowhere else to drive to, and I panicked, until Snake shot at some barrels beside the door and blew it open.

The guards that he had just shot down were collapsed into a big pile of blood and mangled bodies at the entrance of the tunnel. When the barrels exploded, the bodies were pushed by the force only a little, so that when I put the jeep into drive and put my foot on the accelerator, the tires squelched and crunched over the still soft bodies.

The tunnel was long with a low ceiling, and lights that cast an orange glow. There was a gentle incline as we drove along, the guards behind us left behind in a cloud of dust as we drove out. There was enough room for two jeeps to drive side-by-side, but I struggled to keep it steady. It had been a long time since I had driven a vehicle.

I saw something up ahead, and I slowed down, wanting to avoid an accident. “Uh oh, Snake. Checkpoint!” And a checkpoint it was, with guards and barriers. I ducked as they started shooting, letting Snake take care of them. There was another explosion, a little smaller than the first, but it still managed to shake the ground slightly. The stench of blood, diesel and gunpowder filled the air and I looked up to see that one of the barriers was broken. “Okay Snake, let’s go!” We took off again, his mere presence behind me giving me the strength to continue on.

_We had to keep pushing._

No more than a few hundred yards further up the tunnel did we find another checkpoint, and I warned Snake. “We’re not out of the woods yet!” He started shooting them all again, as I wrung my hands and panicked. _How long did we have left? Would we get out of here in time?_ “We’ll never make it!” Snake grunted at my pessimism and I gripped the steering wheel a little harder.

The barriers were still there, but I didn’t care. I drove up and into the barrier, small pieces coming up into our faces and leaving splinters behind. Splinters were the least of our worries.

The sound of another jeep behind us suddenly caught my attention, and I frowned at the sound. It wasn’t until I heard the voice of the man driving it that I started to panic. “Not yet, Snake! It’s not over yet!”

Snake’s anger echoed in the narrow tunnel, as he confirmed my biggest fear. “Liquid!” I stayed in the middle of the road, hoping to help Snake aim a little better at him. Liquid had a gun of his own and was shooting at us, the bullets flying passed me as I tried to keep the jeep steadier. Snake grunted once or twice, but I was confident that he was alright.

The tunnel suddenly narrowed even more, the walls and ceiling falling in on top of us, as we drove on a little faster. There was a blue hue from the lighting in this space, and as we drove on, I could hear Liquid grunting in pain. I was completely confused as to what was happening. Snake had sounded surprised as well as angry that Liquid was chasing us. What had happened while I was unconscious?

Liquid drove into the back of the jeep and I fell forward, hitting off the steering wheel. Snake fell against my seat and we both righted ourselves, waiting for him to do it again. When he did, I was somewhat prepared, and didn’t fall quite as roughly as I did the first time. Snake grunted too, meaning he was jostled but kept his footing.

The tunnel opened up again and I moved to drive on the left, watching as Liquid drove alongside us on our right. Snake continued to shoot at him, avoiding Liquid’s fire as we drove up the tunnel. The gentle incline was now much steeper and I noticed the tunnel changing up ahead again.

This time, there were big concrete barriers down the middle of the driving space, the lighting a slight green colour. Liquid aimed at me once or twice, managing to graze my shoulder with a stray bullet.  When the tunnel returned to normal, Liquid stayed on our right, banging into us from the side.

The steep incline became steeper again, as I noticed a white speck in the distance. As we got closer, the speck got bigger and I recognised it as…

“Look Snake! Daylight!” As soon as the words left my mouth, Liquid drove up and in front of us. I had nowhere else to go, no way to avoid him, so I did the only thing I could: I warned Snake. “We’re gonna crash!”  

Our jeep hit the side of Liquid’s jeep, causing us to flip over several times before landing on a blanket of snow several yards away from the opening from the tunnel. Neither of us had been wearing safety belts, but we held on, landing awkwardly on the snow with the jeep on our back. There was smoke and therefore a fire somewhere, but for the moment, I couldn’t see anything.

There was a stagnant pause as we lay there, unsure of what had happened exactly. Snake looked over to me from where he lay under the jeep, the worry evident on his face. “Meryl, are you okay?”

I nodded, the weight of the jeep pressing into my hips. “Yeah, just a little shook up.” My heart was racing, my mind reeling from what had happened. I noticed that Snake was in the same predicament as me, and we both wriggled a little under the twisted metal.

“Meryl, can you move?”  

I shifted a little more, the seats of the jeep digging into my hips. “It’s no good, I can’t move.”

Snake grunted before looking around. “What happened to Liquid?” He was staring at the other jeep, on its side. 

I looked up and around too, hoping to see his dead body laid out in the snow. “I can’t see him either.” There was no sign of him, none whatsoever, but I continued to look around just in case.  

Snake sighed with relief, relaxing as best he could under the jeep. My words seemed to confirm for him what he had been thinking already. “Liquid’s dead.” Before I could nod, there was the grating sound of metal grinding on metal, and Snake and I both inclined our heads in the direction of the noise. “Uh oh.”

Snake’s comment was the understatement of the century. Liquid was _stumbling over toward our jeep,_ FAMAS in hand. “Snake!” He stumbled a little more, and Snake and I tried again to get out from underneath the jeep. “Snaaaake!” Liquid pointed the FAMAS at Snake, the anger in his expression dropping as he suddenly gripped his chest. “Fo…” He staggered, his face pained. “Fox?”  

Snake nodded at this, his frown smoothing out into a look of disbelief. I waited while Snake replied to his odd comment. “Die.” Liquid fell to his knees and dropped the gun, his chest still clutched in his hand. He fell forward, his hand outstretched.

We waited for him to stand back up again, to come back to life for the fourth time that day, but he remained face-down in the snow. Snake watched him warily for a moment, before speaking timidly. “If _he’s_ dead, that means…”

I didn’t want to hear it. I couldn’t. After everything we’d been through, for him to say that FoxDie would kill him seemed too surreal. “Don’t say it, Snake.”

Looking up at the sky, Snake avoided mentioning it again, instead wondering about the bombing we were supposed to be experiencing. “What happened to the air raid? No stealth bombers in sight.” His codec activated as soon as he said this and I tuned out, giving him some privacy. I kept wriggling under the jeep, moving it in such a way that Snake could climb out. He eventually finished his somewhat hushed call and helped me, gripping my arm gently but firmly as he pulled me to my feet.

We didn’t speak while we walked. I didn’t want to ask him where we were going, mostly because I didn’t want to annoy him. Snake seemed to be the sort of man that didn’t speak a lot unless he wanted to, and I respected that. After everything that had happened in the last few hours, I could trust him with my life.

We walked passed the tunnel leading back down into the base; passed the over-ground route back to the Communication’s Towers; walked along a road with proper road markings, and signs and other smaller, roads joining to it. When Snake moved away from the path toward the edge of the mountain we were standing on, I moved with him, without hesitation.

It was steep, and I kept my steps small at first. My boot slid a little on the path and I gasped, earning a look of concern from the legend in front of me. He turned around completely at a bend in his path down the mountainside, holding out his hand for me to take, which I did, and he helped me to find my footing as we descended.

At the end of the path, Snake led me around the mountain to a small cave set into the side of the sheer rock. And in there, was a snowmobile.

He waked in and pushed it out as far as where I was waiting patiently for him. Taking his seat on the front of the vehicle, he motioned for me to sit behind him and I slipped on easily. There was a small box on the back of the snowmobile and I looked inside, to find a bandana. I held it out to Snake. “Look. I found this.”  

He stared at it for a moment, a thoughtful expression on his face. “Let’s keep it. As a reminder.”

I smirked at the thought of a souvenir, but I was curious to know what he wanted to be reminded of. “Of what? A reminder of a successful mission, or the first time we met?” I knew I was playing a little with fire here, bringing up the topic of a potential relationship. I didn’t want to annoy him, but at the same time, I wanted to know if we were on the same page at all.

Snake was still staring at the bandana. “A reminder of how to live.”   

“Huh?” Okay, we were not on the same page. I didn’t know what he was talking about. Shadow Moses hadn’t taught me about how to live per-se, only how to survive in a fucked up situation.

Snake looked up from the bandana, and looked out over the snow and ice. Dawn was breaking across the horizon, and the sky was a mixture of pink and orange. It was beautiful. “Until today, I’ve lived only for myself.” Snake was talking about himself again. I leaned forward slightly, to listen to him fully. “Survival has been the only thing I cared about in my life.”  

I scoffed a little, Psycho Mantis’ words from earlier echoing in my head. “That’s not just you. That’s how everyone is.”  

He shook his head. “I only felt truly alive when I was staring death in the face. I don’t know, maybe it’s written into my genes…”  

He sounded so unsure of himself, I had to do something. The only thing I could to say to him was similar to what he had asked me in the bathrooms, about understanding my father. “What about now? What do your genes say about your future now?”

He looked up from the snow. “Maybe it’s time I live for someone else.”

My breath caught. Did he mean..? “Someone else?” I was hopeful, so very hopeful, that I almost didn’t believe it when it happened.

He turned around to face me, to talk to me directly. “Yeah, someone like you.” His hand rested on my knee and I nearly blushed at the contact. He had held me earlier, bridal style, but his hand on my knee felt more intimate than being pressed up into his body. “Maybe that’s the real way to live.”

To live… He wanted to live with me? I sat back on the snowmobile, my hands coming to hold the back of the seat. He turned to face forward again, his hands on the handles of the mobile. I was excited, I couldn’t help it. “So… where to, Snake?”

His voice sounded excited to my ears when he replied. “David. My name’s David.”  

 _Another fact about him._ I leaned back just a little further, humoured by his eagerness. “Okay, so where to Dave?” I was cheeky, what can I say?

And he didn’t mind. He hummed a little, thinking it over. “Hmm… I think it’s time we look for a new path in life.”

I was confused. I leaned toward him, wrapping my arms around timidly. “A new path?”

Snake didn’t miss a beat. “A new purpose.”  

Ah, he meant something other than killing for a living. I knew I would be able for it, but… Would he? Would we do it _together_? “Will we find it?”

He sounded certain. “We’ll find it. I know we’ll find it.” I hugged him a little tighter, promising him without saying it that I would help him. I suddenly saw an animal that I had never seen before. It looked like a small elk, or a large deer, and I pointed at it in wonder.  

“What are those?” Snake followed my finger, and saw what I was staring at. Just as he replied, a baby walked over to its mother and they greeted each other.

Snake, once again, was in his element as he answered me. “Caribou. To the Aleutians, the caribou is a symbol of life. It’ll be spring here soon.” He _knew_ so much, so much more than killing and surviving. I knew that this was going to work.

“For us too…”

Snake agreed, and it felt like we were finally on the same page as he elaborated. “Yeah. Spring brings new life to everything. It’s a time for hope.” Here, he paused. I waited as he debated speaking further, then turned around to face me. “I’ve lived here a long time, but Alaska has never looked more beautiful. The sky, the sea, the caribou and most of all, you…”  

I think I did blush at this. “I think I’m gonna like this new life.” And that was the truth. I honestly couldn’t wait.  

Snake turned back around, the snowmobile humming to life in his grip. “C’mon. Let’s enjoy life.” And we took off, in the direction of the sun rising on the horizon, neither of us looking back.  

 

 

 

 


End file.
